


Love is Love is Love

by shake_off_everything20



Series: Love is Love is Love [1]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, Queen (Band)
Genre: Actors, Boys In Love, Brian May - Freeform, Children, Dirty Talk, Domestic Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, Family, Family Angst, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Reunions, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay Love, Gay Sex, Husbands, John Deacon - Freeform, Love, M/M, Marriage, New Year's Eve, Reunions, Same-Sex Marriage, Separation Anxiety, Surrogacy, being in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22795567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shake_off_everything20/pseuds/shake_off_everything20
Summary: Joe Mazzello and Ben Hardy share the joys and challenges of their lives together.
Relationships: Ben Hardy/Joe Mazzello
Series: Love is Love is Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1638865
Comments: 21
Kudos: 18





	1. Missed

**Author's Note:**

> This series is named for a phrase in Lin-Manuel Miranda's 2016 Tony Acceptance Sonnet in memory of the victims of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando Florida. It is a celebration of LGTBQ rights and honors the desire to live the life one is meant to live.
> 
> Please read notes for each chapter, as some chapters contain explicit content. Thank you!
> 
> Feel free to visit/connect on [ Tumblr ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thosequeenboys)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben returns from a last-minute trip to a joyful reunion on New Year's Eve.

The warm house Ben entered buzzed with the New Year’s Eve version of Mazzello Fest. It was just before noon when he arrived, having returned from a sudden trip to London for family business. The trip went well, but had coincided with the lead up to Christmas and the holiday itself. He was pleased to have joined in time for the New Year’s celebration at Joe’s mom’s house.

Hearing the car door slam, Joe met Ben eagerly at the front door and helped him out of his coat, moving his luggage to the side of the spacious foyer. Some of Joe’s family members called to Ben from the kitchen in the back where they gathered at the large table: “Hey Ben, Welcome. Come in. Get some snacks.”

Ben and Joe embraced. Ben’s arms settled around Joe’s neck, his fingers angling into his hair. Joe pulled Ben in closely, his arms stretched around Ben’s slender waist moving to his lower back. They took each other in and held each other tightly, their lips finding each other’s necks and cheeks. Quiet, satisfied moans escaped their mouths.

“Can I get you anything?” Joe asked, peeling his upper half from Ben, as his hands made their way into the back pockets of the blonde’s jeans. Joe pressed deeper into the pockets and kneaded him gently, maintaining eye contact with his gorgeous green eyes. 

At another time, they would have kissed passionately, Ben’s hands finding Joe’s back pockets too. They would have danced each other somewhat clumsily amidst laughs to the bedroom, hastily removing shoes and socks, bringing themselves to the center of the bed. From there, they would flip each other over and over on the bed, taking turns laying on top of one another and on knees in front and behind each other, covering every inch, all angles of the soft sheeted surface. They’d remove articles of clothing from each other as the positions allowed, while stealing kisses, caresses and nips on newly exposed skin. They’d delight in each other’s bodies, eager to express their love. For now, Joe felt grateful that his husband had returned, and he accepted the fact that their skillful bed acrobatics would have to wait, yet again.

“Thanks, Love.” Ben replied, his arms now on Joe’s shoulders, returning the gaze. “I could use some joe truthfully. I’m so beat, gotta wake up.” Ben craned his neck to scope out the pockets of activity around the house as voices ricocheted off the walls.

“You got him,” Joe smirked, separating from Ben, flipping his hand up with a dramatic flair and dragging it alongside his torso down to his legs.

“Hmmm, very nice. I mean the caffeinated variety.” Ben responded with a smile. His eyes darted to the living room off the foyer from which a lot of activity emanated.

“Ah, Ok,” Joe said with a wink, relaying the standard order: “Cuppa Joe, one sugar, light with almond milk, in a big mug, coming right up.”

Joe’s face became very serious. He grasped Ben’s hands tightly. “I’ve missed you so much…,” he stared into Ben’s eyes and took a breath, before continuing. Ben gazed back at him, but was distracted by the raised noise level in the living room that was now punctuated by high squeals and laughter.

“I..I need to ...” Ben said urgently to Joe.

“I know,” Joe interrupted him softly with a warm smile and nod, abandoning the rest of his comment.

Ben smiled back and winked at Joe, releasing him, and then walked through the partially open French doors to the living room. 

Games and toys were strewn over the carpet. The young players were in various postures behind their chosen amusements, their concentration broken by jolts of laughter and banter. Heads turned as Ben entered. 

Suddenly, a small slender boy in blue sweat pants and a plaid button-down shirt in multiple blue hues bolted to Ben with outstretched arms.

Ben swept him up in a hug, holding him tightly, burying his face in the small collarbone and turning around slowly to seal the moment. Joe stepped into the room, looking on, and finished the rest of his sentiment under his breath. “He missed you too.”

“Hey Buddy, I missed you so much.” Ben choked out, his voice rising, emotion overtaking him.

“Daddy!!!” The boy said, burying his head in the crook of Ben’s neck, as his arms grasped around it.

Ben stood still and held him tightly, planting kisses along the soft forehead, cheeks and chin, swaying from leg to leg as he spoke. “Alexander. Francis. Jones-Mazzello. All days are nights to see till I see thee. And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me.” (1)

Ben silently rejoiced and luxuriated in the familiar feeling, wanting time to stand still for just a little while. A little over 24 months ago, he had no idea this feeling existed, and even now, he could not fully describe it. His love for Joe was infinite and deep, passionate and strong, but his love for this -his- child, Alex, was like none he had ever known. There was a wholeness to his life now he hadn’t known was missing. This relationship gave him fulfillment beyond any measure of professional achievement. And, damn, he was so fun to be around! And, Ben had to admit sheepishly, as Alex was often referred to as Ben’s Mini Me, so beautiful to behold.

Ben’s heart had never felt so full as when he was with this boy. His angst was never as great as when he was unhappy or in any discomfort. Ben still had not fully recovered from the night many months ago when the fever suddenly spiked to over 102. Joe calmly said they needed to go to the hospital right away, hastily packing the bag, his eyes showing a concern that belied his calm voice and actions. At the hospital Joe spoke in depth with the doctor. Ben picked up snippets as he draped himself over the tiny body in the bassinet, touching him with cool hands and bargained with a greater power to have the fever enter him instead. That ordeal was just one demonstration of Joe as a loving and responsive father and partner who grounded them all, and it was one of the scariest times of Ben’s life. The fever did break late the next evening, and life soon resumed its toddler-focused activities and routines.

Being separated from Alex, as Ben’s work necessitated, required tremendous compartmentalization. Sure, they FaceTimed, but it could not substitute for experiencing the world unfolding side-by-side. The longing born from separations created a dent in Ben’s heart that never fully went away. Even when they reunited, it stayed as a reminder to cherish the times together and imprint them. Another, longer trip loomed in the new year, but Ben didn’t let that thought enter this sacred moment. 

Their tender, poetic reunion was interrupted as Alex dissolved into a burst of giggles and squirms. Ben eased him down reluctantly. Holding Alex provided a type of calm and love he had never experienced, a special physicality. “Daddy, sit here and watch me do the puzzle.” Alex said, running to bring the puzzle.

“Ok, Mate,” Ben said, sitting on the floor and locking eyes with Joe, who was misty-eyed.

“I’ll get your coffee,” Joe said, lingering a moment to see Alex plant him in the space between Ben’s crossed legs and Ben’s hands naturally settle on the toddler’s knees.

After quickly putting the five ocean animals in the wood board cut-outs, Alex tossed it and launched himself off of Ben, moving to a puzzle with 12 pieces.

“That’s too hard for you, Alex,” warned Jessie, Joe’s oldest niece. Undeterred, Alex separated the shapes by color and angle and then tried piecing them together in the frame. 

Ben reached for a shape sorter near him. “Hey, Alex, want to try this?” he asked, concerned Alex would get frustrated. Alex ignored him, fully concentrating on the puzzle and having some success.

Joe entered and set the coffee on a table next to where Ben sat on the floor and stood beside him. Joe’s mother trailed behind. Jessie’s dad, Joe’s brother-in-law, Pete, entered the room too and scouted the action. His eyes landed on Alex. “Wow, he’s actually putting it together. That’s amazing. Seriously, guys, that’s advanced.”

“Then there was that…numbers incident on Christmas.” Joe’s mother commented as she watched her youngest grandson finger the puzzle pieces pensively and work to connect them.

“Numbers incident.” Ben repeated. “Sounds like something having to do with National security. Did he break a code for the government? What did he do?” he asked jokingly intrigued, though he felt sadness having missed an important milestone, which seemed to happen more as time went by. It had only been a little over a week, but much had transpired. In this new life, time was measured less in days and more in moments.

“He set out the building blocks with the numbers in order and counted to 10. Correctly.” Joe’s mother said, impressed.

“Alright, alright,” Joe said. “I wouldn’t call Mensa yet. He’s obviously just copying his older cousins. Trying to keep up. Though I might be bold and take credit for the counting,” Joe smirked, letting out a laugh. “The Count was always my favorite Muppet on Sesame Street,” he declared, “and I have tried to pass on my passion for counting.”

Ben burst out laughing, and Alex joined in. “I like The Count too! I count with Papa,” he said, looking at his dads laughing together.

“You certainly do,” Joe exclaimed, going over to give Alex’s hair a tussle.

“Hey, Uncle Ben,” Joe’s oldest nephew chimed in. “Can we go out back and play soccer.” 

“Uh, Football?” Ben laughed. “Sure. Ok, anyone wanting to join, get your trainers on.” Ben was always up for some football and enjoyed spending time with the nieces and nephews, though in this moment, all he wanted to do was curl up with Alex. Alex, however, was always eager to join his older cousins. He abandoned the almost-finished puzzle and raced over to Joe for help with his sneakers.

The nieces and nephews proceeded to the backyard, and Ben set up goals with sticks. As they passed the ball between each other, Alex ran alongside Ben, trying in vain to keep up. The winter day was unseasonably warm and the sun bright. They quickly abandoned their jackets. After a half hour, Joe’s mom called them in for lunch. The timing was perfect. Ben suddenly felt hungry and ready to crash, and Alex looked tired too. “How about we take a nap after lunch?” Ben said, bending down to Alex, rubbing their noses together. He stood up and held Alex’s hand as they walked into the house together. “Thanks, Uncle Ben,” the chorus of nephews and nieces said.

Following lunch, Ben helped Alex out of his booster seat, swinging him low on his hip. “We’re heading up for a nap,” he said to Joe, who nodded, deep in conversation with his brother. Ben brought his suitcase upstairs, as Alex climbed the steps slowly behind him.

In the bedroom, Ben took off his shirt which was damp with sweat and change into a fresh pair of sweatpants. He undressed Alex, changed his diaper and put him in a short-sleeved onesie with clean sweatpants.

“You tired, Babe?” he cooed. Alex nodded sleepily in response. The portable crib was set up at the foot of the bed, but Ben settled Alex in the double bed. Ben curled next to him, pulling him into his bare chest and brushing his blonde hair back. Ben reveled in his warmth and his familiar scent, a mix of their sandalwood soap, Johnson’s baby shampoo and the faint smell of Desitin. 

Joe entered the room. “My soon-to-be sleeping beauties. Good you’re napping. We have a long night ahead of us. We pulled out all the stops for tonight: noise-makers, hats, light necklaces and other treats. It will be a wild party indeed!”

“Hmm, sounds fun,” Ben managed, snuggling Alex and planting light kisses on his bare arm. 

“Birthday party?” Alex asked.

“No, New Year’s Eve party…we say goodbye to this year and welcome the new one, which starts after midnight.” Ben said, giving Alex a hug, trying to prevent him from get riled up.

Joe eyed his two loves spooned together. If it were up to Ben, Alex would sleep in their bed every night. Co-sleeping was an area on which they didn’t always agree. A few months ago, they decided he could share their bed only for a special situation. The criteria were not always clear, and Joe was known to give in, eager for the presence of their son and Ben’s contentment. “Well, I guess this qualifies as a special situation. You’ve been away unplanned for over a week, and it’s New Year’s Eve.” Joe ribbed Ben with a big smile. He loved seeing them together and expected that after being away, Ben would want Alex next to him as much as possible.

“Yeah, it is special. Missed this sweet boy…and his papa.” Ben said, his voice fading with impending sleep. His arm settled lightly around Alex, and Alex put his small hand over Ben’s knuckles. Their breathing steadied together and in a few minutes, they were asleep. 

Joe approached the bed and covered them with the sheet and comforter. He planted kisses on each of their cheeks and smoothed each of their blonde heads. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love is deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.” (3) Joe said softly, before he backed out of the room and shut the door softly behind him, pleased that his boys were resting, but eager for them to wake to continue their sweet reunion -- and start the new year together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Numbered Notes in Chapter 1:
> 
> (1) Sonnett 43, William Shakespeare  
> (2) Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare, Act II, scene ii


	2. Puzzled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2: Puzzled: Ben and Joe learn new information about Alex, and Joe receives a surprise that promises to complicate their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a doctor's visit for a check-up (nothing explicit).

The new year unfolded, and the days became longer demarcated by pink, lavender and gold sunsets. Their lives felt pretty stable and had an easy rhythm. Joe was serving as a consultant on a Netflix show, which required travel to LA a week each month. With his own next gig requiring intense travel slated for later in the year, Ben cherished watching winter slip into spring on walks with his trusty, observant companion, Alex, by his side. He loved watching him touch the cracked ground where bulbs sprouted, watch birds build nests and smell flowers. On a mid-March afternoon that was remarkably spring-like, Ben and Alex returned from playgroup, though this walk was silent and tense. As they entered home, Joe was wrapping up a call. 

“Alex, how about watching some PBS?” Ben said, entering the living room and turning on the TV. “Dad and I need to catch up on boring grown-up stuff. I’ll bring you a snack in a few minutes.”

“OK”, Alex said, knowing he didn’t have a choice and that the ‘boring grown-up stuff’ probably included him. Before Ben left, he tried to change their dynamic by running his hand through his son’s hair. “Alex. I love you.” Alex gave his dad a side glance, feeling lingering sadness from their earlier interaction when his dad was mad at him, but relieved to hear his dad’s affectionate words. 

Ben sat at the island counter in the kitchen facing Joe who had moved to the other side of the counter, peeling and cutting vegetables for chicken cacciatore. 

“So that thing happened at playgroup.” Ben looked up at Joe. Joe felt his chest tighten. Again? He knew where this was going; they had been there before. Ben sighed and continued: 

“The toys were laid out on the floor, and he and the other kids were playing. It was going really well. They were talking, and he seemed into it. I thought, ‘Finally! He’s getting how it should be.” Suddenly he went over to the bookshelf and started looking on the shelves. He pulled out a puzzle box. I said he had to put it back; we can’t take things without asking. I told him we weren’t playing with that today. He clutched it and refused. He sat down with it, and when I tried to take it, he pulled it away. He actually scowled at me. I gritted my teeth and told him to give it to me. I had smoke coming out of my ears, but I tried not to make a scene. Fortunately, Becca, you know Georgie’s mom who was hosting, came over and said Alex could look at the puzzle - it belonged to Georgie’s older brother, Jeremy. I thanked Becca and asked Alex to thank her too, which he did.”

“So, he dumps it out. Ok, so no surprise there. But then he starts his sorting thing, and he’s holding up the pieces to the box in front of him and I’m kind of trying to block him, listening to the other parents. And, he starts putting pieces together, making the border, and suddenly, one of the moms sees it and, like, gasps. “OHMYGOD, Ben, he’s doing THAT puzzle?’ Then everyone starts looking.”

“We’re all always comparing notes: What are the kids eating and not eating? What classes are they taking? Who’s looking at pre-schools? It’s supportive, but everyone’s trying to make sure their kid is, you know, ‘on track.’” 

“Yeah,” Joe nodded, switching knives to cut up an apple. “My sister told me all about that. It can get ugly. Some parents brag, and parents whose kids are at a different stage try not to freak out. You can feel the anxiety bubbling up. Sometimes it’s just better to talk about politics, honestly.” 

Sighing, Joe plated the apple slices and spooned some peanut butter on the side of the plate. Ben grabbed the plate and the water bottle. He slid off the stool to deliver it to Alex. Joe started to build the dish, sautéing peppers, carrots, onions and garlic. After they softened, tomatoes, wine, stock and chicken would join the party.

Returning, Ben continued. “So, I just brushed it off. Talked about his older cousins teaching him, how he tries to copy them, you know, he just fools around and gets lucky. Then it was time to leave. He only did a little of the puzzle. Jesus, it was like 50 pieces. I said we had to clean it up. He was all with the ‘no’s’, but finally I glared at him – I swear I almost lost it - but he relented. I feel so out of control when this happens and not sure what to do. And, Alex gets laser-focused and detaches. I had to tell him to say good-bye and thank you. I could tell he was still thinking about that fucking puzzle as we were saying our goodbyes….”

Joe stopped chopping the basil and put his knife down, wiping his hands on a towel. He ran his fingers through his hair. “He is who he is. And we shouldn’t be too surprised about his laser-focus -- and his smarts -- knowing his two sets of genes,” Joe said, with a wink, before continuing, “You handled it well, Babe. Really well. You shouldn’t feel defensive. We need to figure out how to deal with this. Take him for the check-up… better late than never.”

Suddenly Alex came in holding the empty plate and bottle. ‘Hey, Buddy,” Joe said. “The chicken is almost done. Want to finish it up?” 

Alex nodded. He went over to Joe who took the plate and bottle and put the stool in front of the stove, helping him up. “OK,” Joe said, pointing to a pile of chopped greens on the cutting board. Here we have some basil and parsley.” Alex grabbed the greens and sprinkled them into the pot. Joe handed Alex the wooden spoon and he stirred them in, as he planted a kiss on his son’s neck.

A week later they were in Premiere Pediatrics, and the medical assistant took Alex into a small room. Ben and Joe waited outside. She tested his vision, and they overheard her asking him about colors and numbers but they got into a discussion and didn’t pay attention. 

Suddenly, the assistant tore past them and approached the doctor down the hall, showing him the paper in her hand, as a nurse quickly escorted Alex and his parents to an exam room. 

Joe helped Alex undress and put on the robe. He whipped out a book, Ocean Creatures, from his backpack. Alex settled into his lap and Joe started the story. They got halfway through the book and in walked Dr. Herbert “Call Me Herb” Markman, holding a slim file in his left hand. 

Dr. Markman was there from the beginning. Before the beginning. Ben and Joe had to have a local pediatrician vouch for their sincere interest to be parents and their stability. And they had to show there was a doctor at the ready as soon as the baby arrived. When Joe called the practice and asked for an experienced doctor, explaining the situation, the receptionist set up an appointment with Dr. Markman right away, noting he was the most senior member of the practice. A Google search showed they hit the pediatrician lottery: degrees from Ivy League universities; a professor at the local Medical School; a successful researcher; and a former President of the American Society of Pediatrics. As a person, he was warm, calm and conversational. As a doctor, he was thorough, smart and sensitive to both his young patients and their over-concerned parents. At their first meeting, Dr. Markman insisted they call him Herb, but Joe and Ben settled on Dr. M. To keep the relationship on an equal playing field, Dr. Markman followed the more formal naming convention.

“MR. JONES-MAZZELLO!” Dr. M. greeted Alex like a long-lost friend. “So nice to see you! You’re here for your 2-year check-up, I see. Let’s get you up on the bench. He patted it and helped Alex up. Then he turned and offered a warm nod and outstretched hand, “Mr. Jones. Mr. Mazzello.” He placed Alex’s file on the desk.

Ben chimed in somewhat guiltily, “Actually, we missed the 2-month mark. He’s almost 2 and a half now.”

“No harm, no foul.” Dr. M. responded with a reassuring smile as he applied hand sanitizer. 

Dr. M. addressed his patient. “Alex, are you having any concerns about your body, anything hurt? Anything you want to ask?”

“No, thank you. I’m well, thanks.” Alex replied.

The three adults laughed. Ben beamed, proud at his politeness. 

“Good to hear.” Dr. M. commented. Turning to Joe and Ben, Dr. M. asked, “Any concerns? How’s he been?” Any more high fevers?”

“No, no fevers. Thankfully.” Joe said.

“He’s fine, seems good, really.” Ben added.

“Is he good, really or really good?” It was a play on words, a rhetorical question, but Dr. M. was on to something. “Ok, let’s take a look.”

He examined Alex thoroughly, prodding his organs eliciting a stream of giggles. He checked his heart, ears, eyes, blood pressure, spine and reflexes, making notes on his I-pad as he went along.

“All good!” He said.

Dr. M. opened the file folder on the desk and pulled out the report the medical assistant handed him earlier. He went over to the shelf that held some books and games and pulled out 10 black checkers. “As I put these down, Alex, can you count them for me?” Alex counted 1 through 10 as the checkers were placed on the exam bench. Then, Dr. M. picked a few up and asked him the total number remaining on the bench. Then he put some back, asking for a total. He did this a few more times, moving quickly. Alex hesitated at times, thinking it through, but didn’t get flustered. Joe and Ben looked on with awe. Was he really adding and subtracting? Dr. M. collected the checkers and put them aside on the bench. 

“What did you think of that?” He asked Alex.

“Fun!” Alex said. 

“Good to hear we have a satisfied customer. We always try to provide patients with some fun during visits.” Dr. M. said, typing into his I-pad and winking at Joe and Ben, making it clear that round of ‘fun’ was not offered to most patients at their 2-year visits.

“So, what do you like to do, Alex?” Dr. M. asked.

Alex thought for a minute and answered, “Liberry. We get books. I like ocean animals. Gymnastics. I like som-sault. And parachute - we run in and run back before it falls!” Alex smiled, sitting up straight, swinging his legs, picturing the activity. 

“Wow, that sounds really thrilling.” Dr. M. said, giving Alex his full attention.

Alex nodded and then looked at the ceiling thinking about what else filled his days. “Puzzles! I really like puzzles.”

Ben looked over at Joe encouragingly, wanting him to take the cue, as he twisted the band on his left ring finger with his thumb. Joe looked up, rubbing his chin. It was the perfect opening. “Uh, yeah, about puzzles. We should let Dr. M. know what happens sometimes. Like at playgroup.”

Alex looked down, remembering how angry his dad was with him that day.

Ben continued. “Remember at Georgie’s, you got the puzzle off the shelf and started doing it when there were lots of other toys out. You can’t just go into someone’s stuff.”

“I was bored!” Alex said with a raised voice, annoyed that his dad didn’t understand.

Dr. M. nodded. “It’s hard to feel bored, isn’t it?”

Alex nodded emphatically, and Dr. M. continued, “When you feel bored, Alex, it’s good to tell one of your dads, and together you can discuss what to do. Maybe you can ask for another toy. But, sometimes, you may have to be bored. Lord knows, I am more than I’d like!” he laughed, trying to lighten the tension, but came back to the point. “Do you think you can talk about how you feel before acting?”

Alex nodded, looking at Ben, who gave him a smile.

“Good!” Dr. M. said. “Your dads can remind you. So, what else happens in the Life of Alexander Jones-Mazzello?”

“I help Papa cook.” Alex smiled at the recent memory.

“Cooking is fun! How do you help?” Dr. M. asked.

“Add basil and…pars and stir.” Alex said.

“Basil and Parsley,” Joe clarified, “My Italian influence.”

“I’m a big fan of Italian food!” Dr. M. said. He smiled, directing his next question to Ben and Joe. “Any other activities your fine young man is involved in?

“He just started music class!” Ben added enthusiastically. “I read about the strong association between math and music, so we thought it would be good…” his voice trailed off as he looked over at the doctor typing into his I-pad.

Call Me Herb looked summarily unimpressed, perhaps the most unimpressed he’d been in his 35-year career as a pediatrician. Ben and Joe exchanged glances.

“Alex, you are well on your way to becoming a fine 3-year old. One day, I’d like you to meet my friend, Wendy. She’ll show you some other fun puzzles and games I think you’ll like.” Dr. M. said as he helped Alex dress. Then Alex leaned over and grabbed the checkers and started to play with them. 

Dr. M. then spoke softly to Ben and Joe, “I’m going to give you the number of Wendy Chambers. She’s an educational psychologist. She’ll do her assessment and have some ideas.” He wrote her name and number on his prescription pad. “Do it this year, before the pre-school search heats up. The information she provides will help,” he said in his gentle tone as he handed the slip to Ben, who looked down at it.

“Is…Did…Is what we’re doing not right?” Ben asked hesitantly in a whisper.

“You’re doing great.” Dr. M. reassured. Sensing Ben’s concern, he walked over to him and Joe and said very softly. “It just may not be enough. In the long run. He’s precious. And,” he added, “Gifted. With all joys and challenges that come with it. I’ll let Wendy know I’ve referred Alex; you’ll be in good hand with her. Let’s stay in touch.”

After a round of handshakes, Dr. M. departed to a chorus of thank you from the boys. 

As they left the doctor’s office, Ben mentioned they needed to pick up some groceries. “We’ll meet you home, then?” He said to Joe, their eyes lingering expressing they were in this together, whatever ‘this’ turned out to be. Ben bent down to zip Alex’s jacket, his knee resting on the sidewalk, and planted a kiss on his cheek. “You were such a good patient with Dr. M. Ready to go, Buddy?” Alex smiled and nodded, leaning in to hug Ben, who welcomed the embrace. As usual, Alex’s hug stopped Ben in his tracks, and he had to force himself to stand up and proceed, grasping Alex’s hand.

“Thanks for shopping. See you guys at home,” Joe said. As they peeled off in opposite directions, Joe suddenly felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out. The area code was vaguely familiar but he didn’t recognize the number, and there was no name associated with it. 

“Hello, Joe Mazzello.” He answered, stopping. Joe nodded slightly as the name was revealed. 

“Oh. Hi.” He said, in acknowledgement, suppressing his surprise. The voice relayed information, and Joe juggled his phone, trying to shift gears quickly and process the unexpected information.

“Really? Seriously? Wow. That’s…terrific. Have to say, wasn’t expecting it. I mean…” his voice trailed off as more information was relayed.

“When will…?” He registered the response with a nod, his eyes darting side to side.

“Uh, OK! Sounds good….” His voice faded as he tried not to express any concern or hesitation, though logistical wheels were turning in his head, as they always did. “Ok, uh, let me … can I give you a call tomorrow and we can discuss the details? This is…Great! Thanks. Thanks for the call. Take care…Talk tomorrow. Bye.”

Joe clicked off the phone, his eyes opened wide. A surprised grin emerged while he shook his head. If life, acting – and parenthood – taught him anything, it’s you can’t always predict what’s around the corner. Life doesn’t ask to ‘put time on your calendar’ or ‘is this convenient?’ You have to keep calm and make it work. As he walked home, Joe started to strategize about how to do that with this surprising news.


	3. Surprised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Details about Joe’s mysterious phone call are revealed, leading Ben to recall a special memory. Some new cliffhangers emerge!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are minor, semi-explicit sex references (dirty talk!) Also, cursing.

Joe grabbed a frozen pizza and pulled salad ingredients and a beer from the refrigerator. It was all he could muster, the phone conversation still swirling in his head. He pre-heated the oven while he sipped a beer. He needed to speak with Ben, but before that, he had to go through the evening routine, which usually provided a fun, calming wrap-up to the day. Tonight, he just wanted to tuck Alex in so he could be alone with Ben.

Joe met Ben and Alex at the door and took the groceries as they took off their shoes, placing them next to Joe’s in entry foyer. 

“Time for a bath,” Joe blurted out, his desire to move the evening quickly was abruptly unmasked.

Ben looked confused. “Uh, aren’t we having dinner?”

“Yes. After bath. I’m heating the oven for pizza.” 

“YAY, PIZZA!!” Alex cheered.

“Do you want to take him or should I?” Joe pushed curtly. He felt particularly controlling, as inside he felt out of control. 

“Uh, I can take him,” Ben looked at Joe quizzically. “Alex, why don’t you head upstairs. I’ll be up to run your bath.” As Alex climbed the steps languidly, Ben turned to Joe, “Are you ok?”

“It’s been an intense day. Let’s get him down early. And, we’ll talk.” Joe said.

“Yeah, it has been intense. We’ll make it quick.” Ben was slightly concerned by Joe’s remarks, but he figured he wanted to debrief from Alex’s earlier check-up with Dr. M. 

Joe was quiet during the meal, occasionally forcing a smile at Ben and Alex, but he was clearly distracted. He couldn’t help but wonder what dinnertime would be like a year from now. Varied images flashed before his eyes.

Alex’s banter and laughs with Ben brought Joe back to the present, and he occasionally chimed in rotely, exuding a detached demeanor. 

As the meal finished, Joe jumped up to clean; fortunately, there wasn’t much to do. “Ok-you guys go get ready for bed-teeth, book.” There he was pushing and controlling again.

Alex started up the steps again. Ben hung back as Joe put the dishes in the dishwasher. Joe’s intensity and distraction were unnerving. “You’re concerning me,” Ben said. “This isn’t just about the doctor’s visit. Something happened after the doctor? Just tell me. Please!!” Ben pleaded through dark, worried eyes.

Looking up at Ben, Joe suddenly got out of himself and realized that his mood and behavior were causing Ben stress. He moved toward Ben and wrapped his arms around his hips. “Hey, I’m sorry. Yeah, I got some news. It’s good. Just surprising. The timing. But, really good. Let’s get him to bed…and we’ll talk.” He looked into his husband’s eyes and brought him into his chest and whispered into his ear, “Ben...”

“Daddy,” Alex called from the top of the stairs. “Help.”

Ben released Joe with a lingering gaze before he bounded up the steps feeling both relieved and curious. Ben changed Alex’s diaper and helped him into the pajamas that were folded neatly on his pillow, as Alex pointed out the different whales in the pattern. Ben marveled at his precious son.

Joe finished in the kitchen and turned out the lights. The sound of maniacal laughter guided him up the steps. Entering Alex’s room, he saw Ben laying perpendicular on the toddler bed that was nestled perfectly into a corner of the room. Ben’s legs were akimbo, his feet splayed out on the floor. His head leaned against the wall. Alex’s relaxed his head on Ben’s stomach. He faced out into the room, eyes focused on the book in Ben’s hand. 

“NOOOO!!!! The octopus goes ‘whomp, whomp whomp,” Alex said, as he pressed his tented fingers into Ben’s stomach. 

“I think the octopus does this,” Ben said, as he released the book on the bed, and leaned toward Alex, tickling him. Alex rolled around giggling, as Ben angled himself so he wouldn’t roll off the bed.

“You two are INCORRRRRIGIBLE” Joe said, smiling at his two loves.

“InCORR-IJ” Alex mimicked, as he and Ben continued to roll, tickle and laugh.

“Ok, ok Guys,” Joe said softly, trying to infuse some calm. “Time for bed.”

“Daddy lie down with me.” Alex declared, knowing that usually, Ben would gladly assume the role of Big Spoon until he was close to sleep. 

“No, not tonight.” Joe responded softly but firmly.

Ben gathered himself off the bed and put the book on the side table. “C’mon, buddy,” he turned down the sheet and comforter and helped Alex scoot in. He planted a kiss on his cheek as Alex’s arms wrapped around his warm neck. Joe came over and rubbed Ben’s back, signaling it was time to go. As Ben pulled away from Alex’s small arms, Joe planted a kiss on Alex’s cheek. Joe grasped Ben’s hand as they left the room, calling good-night. 

They came into their bedroom and Joe closed the door and locked it. Ben stood in front of him.

Joe looked at Ben and looked down, thinking of how to start the conversation though he had run through a number of scenarios since the call. Joe threw his phone on the bed.

“On the way home, I got a call. It was Mike Ranstad.”

Ben’s mouth formed an O, and he felt his heartbeat quicken. That Fucking Lawyer. It was a voice that warned of ‘what if’s’ about this, and ‘just have to mentions’ about that. It was a name that was a constant through the pre-procedure paperwork and the initial benchmarks for viability. After that, their lawyer affirmed that all terms were set, and the contact with Mike thankfully faded, with a promise of his monthly updates. 

Hearing Mike’s name led Ben to revisit the day they got the call-the call that brought their desired new phase of life to reality and put all that legalese behind them. They were lounging on the couch, scrolling through their phones in between reading the Sunday Times when Joe’s phone rang. The number was unfamiliar but the area code vaguely was. Normally Joe wouldn’t pick up an unidentified number, but something made him curious.

He answered lightly, “Hello.”

There was silence on the line, but some muffling in the background.

“I’m not able to do a survey now,” Joe said, anticipating a political survey. He was about to hang up when a voice spoke up. A woman’s voice.

“This, this isn’t a survey…. I … I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Joe was perplexed. “Who…is this?” He put the phone on speaker, and Ben moved closer to the phone and to Joe.

“Are you S-D 78Ol9P? The dad…?” the voice said uncertainly.

“Is this some sort of joke? I swear I’ll get my fucking lawyer….” Joe’s heartbeat quickened. Jesus, how did their situation leak out? Wasn’t this information protected? WHAT THE FUCK?

“It FUCKING better NOT be a joke,” came the voice, hardening now, a southern accent evident. “I’m four months pregnant with a child I have NO intention of raising. I have $30,000 in college debt to pay off and a graduate school bill pending later this year.” Her voice then took a softer tone, “I’m Donor/Surrogate E-D/SU 67Y20V. I’m Lena.”

“Holy shit.” Ben mouthed to Joe. “It’s HER!”

“It’s me,” Ben voiced quickly. “I’m the dad. I’m Ben.”

Joe flashed him an angry look, uncomfortable with the conversation, trying to remember what was written in all those fucking documents. He couldn’t recall a single thing in the moment, but he was sure they were violating every stipulation they agreed to with their signatures. 

“Hi,” Lena said.

“Is, is everything ok? Are you ok?” Ben tried to sound supportive. Lena’s comments gave him peace of mind. Since the beginning, he harbored a concern that she would change her mind and want to keep the baby. He had read horror stories. There would be a protracted legal battle, and she would win his progeny. He woke up with nightmares sometimes close to tears. Joe soothed him, reminding him that their lawyer had carved out their legal rights, and it wasn’t possible. But the fear remained as an undercurrent during this supposedly happy, anticipatory time. Finally, Ben breathed in relief.

“Yeesssss,” Lena responded, in her melodic way, “Now that the nausea is over. I’m fine. Though now I have a diet of mustard greens and chia seeds to look forward to in my foreseeable future.” She gave a little laugh.

“Wow, gosh, is that what you eat when you’re pregnant? Sounds awful.” Ben said, sympathetically.

She laughed. “Actually, I thought that’s what you New York City guys would expect.”

“Well, I’m British,” Ben said. “I’m good with fish and chips and bangers and mash. Pretty sure what’s what my mom had when she was pregnant with me.”

Lena laughed, sounding relieved.

“You know,” she said, “I signed all those non-disclosure forms and confidentiality agreements and even something about safeguarding confidential information. Well, apparently my lawyer Mike didn’t sign one ‘cause your phone number was written plain as day right on the clearly-marked file sitting on his desk. Anyway, I just started wondering about you, is all. And I can’t non-disclose unless you disclose.”

She had a point. Joe and Ben exchanged glances.

“Why don’t you tell us about you first. Make that sheet of paper we got come alive! You show us yours, we’ll show you ours,” Joe said. “I’m Ben’s husband, by the way. Joe.”

“AKA, the snarky husband,” Lena concluded.

“Uh-huh,” Joe said trying to hide a smile. He was beginning to cotton to Lena, and he relaxed a little. It was harmless for them to speak at this point, right?

“I’m a future microbiologist, a triathlon athlete and a lesbian. My wife Kasey is a chemist. I’m from Tennessee; she’s from Michigan. We met at the University of North Carolina as undergraduates, and we worked a bit after graduating. But now we’re back; I’m completing my Ph.D. Our daughter Lila is three. This pregnancy isn’t my first rodeo.” 

Joe and Ben burst out laughing.

Lena continued, “Being a parent is awesome! You’ll see! Anyway, we love to travel and are planning a trip to The Galapagos so I can do some research after this is done -- I mean, after I give birth to your healthy baby. Sorry, didn’t mean to sound crass. So, now….show me yours! Your application said you’re both in media/entertainment. Big executives, I presume from your income range. Hopefully not the sleazy variety?!” She smirked.

Ben started. “I’m an actor, actually. Moved to the States after Joe and I got engaged in Montreal. We married a year ago and wanted to start a family right away. His mom and siblings are here – in New York.” 

“An actor, huh? Like famous?” Lena asked in her slow drawl.

Ben and Joe laughed. “Depends how you define famous…” Ben said. “Hardy. Ben Hardy is my professional name.” They heard her typing into her phone after placing it on speaker. Joe looked at Ben, concerned once again. Should he have divulged his name? It was too late. His emotions were now a mix of excitement and concern.

“Holy Craaappp. Are those abs real or are they Photoshopped?” Lena queried in a high voice.

“Oh, they’re real, “ Joe responded, not missing a beat. “VERY. Real.”

“Wow, Kacey works out, and she doesn’t have abs like that. Maybe you can give her some workout tips.” They all laughed. “Though, my sexuality is in question right now.” She laughed heartily.

“Well, you’ll have to figure that out with someone else.” Joe said. “He’s very much taken.”

“And what about you, snarky husband?” Lena inquired.

“An actor also, and a writer and director. I’m his cougar. Well almost.” They laughed at that too.

“How did you two meet?” Lena wanted to know.

“We were in a movie together-Bohemian Rhapsody.” Ben said, and they smiled at each other.

“Ah, the movie about Queen. Never saw it, but I do like their music.” Lena responded.

Joe felt an urge to wrap up the call. “Lena, it’s been so nice meeting you, and I guess we’ll see you in a few months. Thanks so much for the call. And, we really, really appreciate all you’re doing to help us. Can’t thank you enough. Really. We’re so excited to be dads. Thanks….”Joe said.

“It’s a business arrangement, but it’s swell to know that the baby will have dads who love each other -- and who will love him.”

“HIM??????” Ben gasped.

“Oh, um, yeah. The baby is male. Guess Mike didn’t tell you. Surprise.” Lena said drolly.

“Wow. That’s amazing.” Ben said, his voice trailing off as he pictured holding his son, and he intertwined his fingers into Joe’s. 

“Can, uh, we stay in touch, um, text?” Ben asked hopefully.

“We can stay in touch, but I don’t text,” Lena said.

“Is that an ethical position?” Joe pried.

“No, just not my thing. Guess I’m old-fashioned that way. You miss so much wrapped up in the phone. You have my number now. You can call. I’ll keep you posted after my doctor visits.”

They ended the call with Lena warmly and fell into each other on the couch, a tumble of passionate kisses and caresses. “So,” Joe said, rubbing Ben’s thigh, “We have the name, then?”

“Alexander Francis Jones-Mazzello,” Ben responded delightedly. Other than their marriage ceremony, Joe thought there wasn’t a time when he had seen Ben happier.

***

Back to the present, Joe could tell that Ben was going to a bad place by his facial expression and wide eyes. He should have remembered that their interactions with Mike Ranstad didn’t conjure positive associations. 

“Hey, Hey, it’s ok,” Joe reached forward and held Ben’s hands. “God, I…just can’t believe it. Mike had good news. It’s Lena. She’s pregnant!!” he burst into a wide grin.

“ARE YOU JOKING?” Ben asked, dropping Joe’s hands from the shock. “What, how??” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I thought she wasn’t even going to try until her classes ended in the spring. And, that’s SO quick; with me it took 3 tries. Almost a year.”

“Guess my boys are fast swimmers,” Joe winked. 

“OH.MY.GOD.” Ben said, trying to process the news. “When is she due?”

“End of August/Early September? Mike wasn’t sure exactly.” Joe said.

“FUCK. I’ll be away. I’ll be filming. Till fucking October, they said.” He took his phone out of his pocket and started scrolling in his text list. I need to let Dan know. I gotta get out of this contract. He has to…”

“No, no. We’ll figure it out…My mom can help. You worked hard for this dramatic role. You really want it.” Joe responded calmly.

“No, Joe, this is too important. I want to be there.” In that moment, Ben didn’t care if he ever worked again. 

“You’ll talk to Dan. He’s an experienced agent and he’ll have ideas,” Joe said in his reassuring way.

“Well, they have to give me a leave or something, right?” Ben considered.

“I’m sure you’re not the only actor who’s had to deal with something unexpected like this.” Joe affirmed. “Guess it’s a relief Netflix hasn’t offered me a full-time gig for this show in LA. That would totally send us off the rails.” Joe mused.

Ben sighed. “I’m happy, but wow, it’s a lot. I mean. I thought we’d have a little more time alone with Alex. Let him get a little older. And now, with the Dr. M. visit-we need to figure out what to do for him, with pre-school and…..”

“Yeah, two curve balls in one day. “Well, good curve balls, but still….We’ll figure it all out. But not tonight.” Joe moved toward Ben, embracing him and letting his hands sink deeply into Ben’s back pockets as he kissed his lips tenderly. Ben leaned into Joe, grasping Joe’s lips with his own, as his hands snaked into Joe’s back pockets. They kissed passionately and then Joe pulled away. “I didn’t think I could love you more than I do,” Joe said, his hand kneading Ben’s firm ass, “But picturing you with another child….my child. You’re such a great dad. God, I love you so much….”

Ben swallowed. “I love you. And, you’re a great dad too.” But right now,” Ben bit his lower lip. “This dad…” 

Joe ate his lover’s words with a hard, open-mouthed kissed, diving his tongue into Ben’s mouth. He walked Ben toward the bed, pushing him gently onto it. Once Ben reclined, Joe settled his knee on the bed moving it side to side to coax Ben’s legs apart. He took Ben’s hands in his own and eased them above the blonde’s head, pressing them into the mattress as he leaned over him and planted firm kiss after kiss on his swollen lips, their tongues entwined in a pas de deux. 

“Oh, God, Joe….” Ben moaned in between kisses. 

“Want to know what I want to do to you?” Joe asked softly, as he slid his mouth and tongue slowly across Ben’s strong jawline, stopping at his earlobe which he nipped, causing Ben to let out a moan. Joe continued, “I’m going to start the night by kissing, licking and sucking every inch of your chest…taking my sweet time…paying special attention to your pecs, which I know, drives you absolutely crazy….”

“Fuck, Joe…” Ben said, thrusting toward Joe’s leg. 

The phone ringer was set loudly on vibrate and it started to shimmy on the bed. They couldn’t help but follow the jarring noise with their eyes. ‘Lena’ lit up on the screen.

“Christ.” Joe said peeling himself up, releasing Ben, now a panting, deep-shade-of-pink mess. He nodded at Joe, who picked up the call and pressed speaker. “Lena…” Joe said, instantly switching his voice from sultry lover to upbeat dude, a demonstration of his acting chops.

“Hi, Y’all. Hope I’m not getting you at a bad time.” Lena said, sounding sleepy.

Ben started to rearrange his lower half, still amazed that Joe could arouse him so quickly when he spoke dirty to him - and he knew Joe had barely started his soliloquy.

“No, no,” Ben said softly rolling on his side facing into the bed to muffle his voice, “Just one of the last times I may have sex for the next 18 years.” Joe leaned over and swatted his butt playfully.

“Do you have any idea what’s it’s like to lie on your back with your legs STRAIGHT UP in the FUCKING air for a half hour--no breaks. I’m not talking bent legs or yoga-pose legs, I’m talking IN-THE-AIR-SLIGHTLY-OVER-YOUR-HEAD-STRAIGHT-ASS-LEGS. 30 MINUTES. AND BARE-ASS NAKED. ANY idea what that’s like?” Lena asked, annunciating every word.

“Can’t say I do, but um…thank you??!” Joe responded, his voice rising as he tried for the perfect mix of gratitude and sympathy. “But, I thought that was a myth.”

“Well,” Lena said, “I thought so too, but this woman in my lab tried IVF three times and the third time she did the legs-in-the-air thing and she SWORE that’s what did it. Well, you know, I’d do anything for you boys. But this one is it for me. You guys are done after this one, right?”

“Yes,” Joe and Ben resounded together. 

“Have to say, I was surprised it happened so quickly…” Joe said. “We’re thrilled, but just trying to plan…”

“Well, good luck with that. You know life with kids is all ‘best-laid plans of mice and men,’” Lena said. “And, how’s Alexander?” her voice rose in a chipper tone.

“He’s great. Really great.” Ben said, “Hey, Lena. Did you like puzzles-you know, as a kid?”

“As a KID?? What do you mean? Life is a series of puzzles. I’d be bored out of my mind if I didn’t have a bunch of things to piece together and solve every day!” Lena said.

“And…there we have it.” Joe smirked and then nodded seeing truth in Lena’s statement. There certainly were lots of things to solve-more so now, it seemed.

“Oh, hey, I just had a sonogram and wanted to see if you wanted to know the baby’s…OMG, I gotta take this call-it’s about my research funding-call you tomorrow!” Lena squealed.

“WE WANT TO KNOW, TELL US.” Joe and Ben screamed into the phone, though they realized Lena clicked off.

They both fell back into the bed, groaning and laughing.

“Ok, then. Not going to deal with that tonight either,” Joe said, heaving a heavy sigh. “Maybe we should resume our prior positions? Take two?" Joe smiled as he turned off his phone and set it on the side table. He grabbed the remote and dimmed the lights, ready to close this roller coaster of a day – and celebrate their exciting new chapter - in the best way possible.

“You were…talking. Please continue.” Ben said breathing heavy, as he rolled onto his back and spread his legs.

Joe kneeled in between Ben’s parted legs and leaned over him resting on one arm, while the other hand began to unbutton Ben’s shirt slowly, letting his fingers skim his sternum, ever so lightly. His lips hovered just over Ben’s as he spoke. “As I kiss down your chest and abs, you’ll be saying my name over and over in between your delicious moans….I’ll get so hot, knowing how much I’m turning you on. ”

“You fucking do,” Ben said, his eyes rolling back, his blush returning. 

Joe continued, helping Ben ease out of his shirt. “When I finally reach your jeans, you’ll be panting. And begging. I’ll see you twitching--my mouth so close to you. I’ll know you’ll be ready to let passion consume you. And then, finally, I’ll…”


	4. Separated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben, Joe and Alex prepare for Ben’s departure to film a movie in London, with related emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic sex descriptions of a gay couple. They are about to be separated, after all!

June was the best month because summer was just starting, and it stretched out carefree before them. The spring perennials had dried into brown stalks and were now replaced with hearty hydrangeas in blue and pink hues. The neighborhood’s evening rituals prolonged the seemingly endless days: tonguing ice cream cones before they dripped from the evening heat, racing scooters on the sidewalk, chalk drawing on the pavement, telling jokes on the stoop. The fragrant rose bushes arched over the iron fences that framed the small front-yard gardens. The evening activities extended into the darkness. Finally in bed, Alex found it hard to unwind despite Ben’s patient efforts. Lots of chatter and three books later, he finally fell asleep.

This June would be remembered for preparations surrounding the inevitable separation. While Ben put Alex to bed, Joe ventured upstairs to the ‘extra room’ where infant clothes in plastic bins and baby paraphernalia were scattered among items they seldom used and remnants of their past lives, their single lives. Walking through the maze of random possessions, Joe found and hefted a large suitcase and duffle bag on wheels and carried them down the steps into their bedroom.

Ben was stretched on their bed reading a script, his long legs crossed at the ankles. He raised his eyes at Joe’s entrance.

“I kept wishing these would magically appear, but….” Joe said, easing the luggage onto the racks he had set out.

Ben nodded and resumed reading. 

“Ben, Baby, you have to talk to him. Start preparing him. It won’t really sink in until you’re close to leaving, but… You need to get him ready to separate from you.” Joe said.

The phrase ‘get him ready to separate from you’ made Ben feel like he was punched in the stomach. Finally, Ben spoke. “I’ve been putting it off….I didn’t want to think about it. Just focusing on the script. Compartmentalizing. I never thought the travel, being away, would have negative implications. It seemed par for the course and even glamorous. An Actor’s Life. I wasn’t thinking of a family. Now, it’s tearing me up to think of being away from him…and you.” Saying it made it real. Images of his upcoming destiny started to come into focus: he pictured being on the outskirts of the city, working on set for grueling hours every day and then alone in his London flat at night, managing the basics-meals, laundry – under a fog of exhaustion. It was as if he had to picture it to make himself accept it. Denial can only take you so far.

Joe climbed on the bed next to him. He could tell Ben was off in another place, anticipating the trip as he hadn’t until now. “Hey,” Joe said. “Don’t think about it tonight. Be here with me.”

Joe took the script tenderly, moving the Post-it stuck on the back to the open page. He leaned over Ben and placed it on the side table, then opened the drawer to retrieve the lube. He kneeled in front of him, tossing the lube next to them. He slid Ben’s t-shirt up, and with a combination of mouth and hands covered every inch starting at the waist band, pushing the garment upward to access more of that delicious, toned body. Ben raised his arms and the t-shirt was removed and tossed as Joe straddled Ben, gliding his hands softly now over the smooth, bare chest. “Joe…” Ben said, “Just…I want to feel you in me.” Joe pulled off his own t-shirt and removed his bottoms. Next, Ben’s sweatpants and boxers were eased off and tossed. Sitting back on his knees between Ben’s open legs, Joe’s strong torso arched back slightly. It exuded a perfect combination of intensity and softness, confidence and vulnerability, as would their lovemaking. The two naked partners eyed each other. Joe grazed Ben’s thighs, easing them apart, and the blonde closed his eyes, releasing an anticipatory moan, as Joe moved his hand to his husband’s hardening manhood. He worked it a bit as Ben gasped and thrusted to Joe’s rhythmic pulls. Joe moved his other hand tenderly along Ben’s jawline which caused his lover’s eyes to flutter. “Look at me, Baby.” Joe said. “I want to imprint your look – your passion and lust and love for me - into my brain.” He flipped the cap of the lube open, and Ben bent and spread his knees wider to allow full access. 

Joe rolled next to Ben and started to ease his dripping fingers into him, one at a time, feeling the resistance and grasp, followed by the release, allowing him to enter deeper. Finally, Ben whispered, “Joe… God, feels so good. I’m ready.”

Joe kneeled in front of Ben and pulled him toward his own hardness, which he lubricated generously. He entered Ben slowly, propping himself on an arm, his other hand on Ben’s thigh easing it wider. They moved so right, so easily as one, each advance joining them, sealing their love deeply. Joe resumed stroking Ben, now fully erect, as their rhythmic thrusts quickened. “I love you, Ben,” Joe panted. “Love you,” Ben said. They both moaned as they released, their smooth movements becoming jerky. They disconnected, Joe rolling next to Ben, as they faced each other and kissed passionately.

The next morning, upon waking, Joe ran his fingers through his hair, last night a glimmer and reality looming harshly. “I need to get the apartment ready for Mariel. She’ll be here in a week.” With Ben’s extended absence, single parenting would be challenging for Joe, especially with his Netflix consultation requiring monthly trips to LA. The baby’s eventual arrival would add a layer of complexity. They hired Mariel, an au pair from Peru eager to come to NY, who planned to eventually study graphic design. Her references boasted that she was a warm, loving and responsible caregiver. While Ben knew this was a necessity, he was unsettled that their triad was vanishing. Sands would be shifting over the next year as a new normal emerged-a desired and exciting new normal, indeed. They would have to carve out a new family life with the arrival of the baby. The guys decided to hold off telling Alex about the baby until they reunited in London, figuring he could only process one big change at a time, the most imminent one needing to be addressed first.

After breakfast, Ben called Alex over and hoisted him onto his lap as Joe cleared the table, his eyes trained on the two of them.

“Hey, Buddy, I’m going to be leaving for London in a few weeks for work. I’ll be gone over the summer, but you and Papa will visit me in the middle, so it won’t seem like that long. And we’ll FaceTime in between, so you can tell me all about your summer. Alex listened. “And, the exciting thing is you’ll have someone special to keep you company-a woman named Mariel. She’s super nice and she can’t wait to meet you. She’ll live in the apartment downstairs. She’ll take you to gymnastics and music, and she…” 

“ I don’t want ‘she.’” Alex said matter-of-factly. Why would he? “I go to Lon-down. Papa too.”

“I know you don’t want someone else. But, Papa has to work and go to LA sometimes. I’ll be working so much and wouldn’t be able to spend time with you if you lived with me in London. So, Mariel will help take care of you. It will take some getting used to, but I know you’ll like her.” Ben encouraged. Alex had said his piece and didn’t see a need to prolong the discussion. In his child-like fashion, he quickly scrambled to higher, more familiar ground. “Gymnastics.” he said, sliding off of Ben and proceeding to the foyer where he sat on the bench and waited for help with his sneakers.

“That went rather well,” Ben said eyeing Joe, not trying to cover his sarcasm. He knew this was the first of many discussions, and as the day of his departure approached, there would be more emotions all around. For now, he packed a water bottle and some snacks and joined Alex to prepare to leave. At the kids’ gym, Ben peered through the window in the parents’ waiting area. He gave himself permission to bask in Alex’s unrelenting joy as he raised and lowered the parachute with his mates, and ran into it when it was his turn, retreating to his spot before it fell upon him, his feet moving in time to his giggles. Ben hoped the reality of their imminent family changes would land just as gently upon him as the parachute would have, had he not escaped its billowing descent in time.

So, it went like that leading up to the separation. They’d mention it, Alex would listen and then deflect. Joe, meanwhile, dealt with his own onslaught of emotions by pouring his energies into helping Mariel acclimate to their routines and home, the details of which he documented copiously. She joined their excursions and began to get comfortable with them and dote on Alex. Ben showed Alex images of London: double decker buses, the London Eye, Big Ben (not named for Daddy), The Princess Diana Memorial Playground-hoping to build his enthusiasm for their reunion, while reinforcing that Ben would be in another place. Alex gradually registered the images and the impending reality. He couldn’t ignore the clues that Ben’s departure was lurking: Ben’s sudden shopping trips to pick up last-minute items and Joe throwing items into the suitcase, packing and repacking. Then there was the vocabulary associated with travel and separation. The worst word, Alex decided, was ‘gone.’ It was concept he couldn’t fully wrap his head around, but it had a finality and a sadness. He knew it meant that Daddy wouldn’t be with him.

Four days before Ben’s departure, Ben and Joe woke suddenly to loud wails. “OHMYGOD,” Ben bolted out of bed in his boxer briefs and tore down the hall to Alex’s room, where he found him sitting up in bed, tears falling off his face. “Alex, are you sick??” Ben practically dove onto the bed and wrapped him in a hug. Joe appeared at the doorway. “You left and didn’t say bye-bye,” Alex said through tears.

“You had a bad dream! Of course, I’ll say good-bye and I’ll hug you…..I won’t leave without saying bye-bye. I promise,” Ben reassured.

The day before his departure, Ben brought Alex to the couch. He took two small blue microfiber pouches from his backpack. “I got us some things to help us look forward to seeing each other and remember our times together when we’re apart. Want to see what I got?” Alex nodded enthusiastically. Ben handed him a pouch and helped him loosen the strings and open it. Alex reached in and took out a puzzle piece. Ben retrieved a puzzle piece from his own pouch, which he inserted into Alex’s, forming an octopus. “When we see each other, our pieces will join. But meanwhile, each piece is waiting for the other, just like we are waiting to see each other.” Alex nodded. He reached into the pouch and took out a little whale statue. Ben took out a sea turtle statue. “We both have a sea animal.” Ben noted. “When you come to London, we’ll go to the Aquarium!” Alex smiled. Next up were a pair of small model airplanes. “When you visit me, you’ll get to fly on an airplane, and this one,” Ben said, retrieving his own, “will bring me home to you.” Finally, Alex reached in and pulled out a glittery firm heart. Ben took his out too. “These hearts remind us that even though we’re not with each other walking or talking or laughing or playing or reading, we’re still together -- in each other’s hearts.” Ben lined his red heart up on Alex’s chest, while he eased Alex’s hand that clutched his red heart against his own chest. They smiled. Then, Ben put the items into their respective pouches. He leaned over and kissed Alex, who wrapped his slender arms tightly around Ben’s neck. That feeling was the most important thing he wished he could stuff into his pouch.

The final morning Joe’s eyes opened at 5:45. They had 15 minutes before Alex usually woke up and a little over an hour until Ben’s departure. He rolled over and draped his arm over Ben, who was curled up on his side facing away from him. Joe’s other hand stroked his blonde hair. “Hey, pretty boy, how about a treat to start the day right,” Joe cooed in his ear. Ben rolled toward Joe onto his back and Joe’s hands followed, draping one over his chest and the other on his forehead, fingering the blonde tresses. He moved on top of Ben, letting his weight press into him. Ben beamed up at him, wanting to take that feeling - the heaviness, the warmth, the familiar, perfect fit - with him. They moved together urgently, clothed in boxer briefs, kissing as soft moans escaped. Joe latched onto Ben’s neck, sucking him slowly, leaving fresh marks, the ones from the prior night had started to fade. Ben’s mouth found its way to Joe’s neck, leaving marks as well. Time of the essence, Joe slithered down Ben, taking Ben’s boxers with him. 

“Hey,” Ben crunched his abs with a raised head.

“Are you protesting?” Joe asked. 

“No, I mean, What time is it?? Alex will be getting up….” Ben glanced sideways at the clock. 

“I’ll make it quick. Lie back. I want you to leave you with a memory of me, showing you that I love you.” Joe took in Ben eagerly, with focus and passion.

“Oh. God. Fuck. Joe.” Ben’s voice was low, and steady, his hips rising slightly in time to his quickening heartbeat. “Yeah, like that. Fuck. Harder,” he directed. His clipped exhales were punctuated with a rhythmic chant, “Joe. God. Harder. Joe…” Ben felt himself so close to release, his hands tugging on Joe’s auburn locks, when the unmistakable voice called out.

“Daddy? Are you leaving?” It was a sad question, with a known answer.

Joe detached himself from a heavily panting and pink Ben, who held his breath to stop making any noise, his heart beating into his throat, his stomach in a tight curl. After a deep breath, Joe uttered firmly, “Alex, we need a few minutes to get up. Go downstairs and play. We’ll meet you soon..”

“Ok,” the soft voice padded away.

Joe glanced at Ben eager to finish him. “I can’t, he needs me….I won’t be able to…” Ben said breathlessly, his head raised.

“You can and you will, if I have anything to do with it.” Joe said. He wanted to please Ben and have a few more moments of intimacy, delaying the inevitable. Joe knew it was time to pull out the big guns. “I want you to come for me, with my lips wrapped around you…sucking you hard, taking all of you in. I’ll look up at you as you thrust into me, and release into me, looking so beautiful. Can you do that for me?” He didn’t wait for an answer. Ben crashed his head into the pillow, aroused again, and Joe resumed his skillful pleasuring. He added a gentle massage of Ben’s balls, causing Ben to resume his chant between moans. Ben came, Joe’s name on his tongue as the gestures slowed, and a final kiss was granted.

“Mission accomplished.” Joe smirked, easing next to his husband.

“God, you’re amazing.” Ben said panting. Then turning to Joe, he asked, “Do you think he heard? You know, when he was outside the door?”

“Heard you cursing? Moaning? Telling me how to get you off? Chanting my name? Probably. Look, he’s good in math. Eventually he’ll figure out that you cursing PLUS you moaning my name over and over TIMES you sounding slightly bossy EQUALS you having an extra spring in your step.” Joe smiled, very proud of the audible results of his handiwork.

Ben looked horrified.

Joe winked. “Don’t worry-at this age, Nah.” He switched gears. “I’ll duck into the bathroom quickly and then go downstairs.” 

“Joe,” Ben said. “I can…”

“You don’t have to….I have last night as my go-to.” A vision of their prior evening’s passion that started in the shower and ended in bed flashed before Joe’s eyes. “I wanted to give you something special to remember me when you’re away.” Joe whispered. 

“You’re imprinted in me. All of you. I love you so mu…” Ben stopped, overcome with emotion. He swallowed. “We better get moving. I’ll take a quick shower.”

Joe’s hand reached for Ben’s jaw and a kiss enveloped his beautiful full lips.

There wasn’t much talking over breakfast, each of them consumed by their own emotions. Alex ran a small car back and forth on the table, the movement distracting and soothing him. Ben kissed his head before he made a final trip upstairs to finish his ablutions and pack a few final things. He returned with a backpack slung over his shoulder, maneuvering the heavy suitcase. “I better call the Uber,” he said, moving the luggage to join the full duffle bag, already by the door. Joe wiped the counter with a sponge, yet again, trying to distract himself from his own emotional onslaught.

Ben went over to Alex and sat down. “Hey, Buddy, come here.” he tapped his knee. Alex came over and Ben picked him up under his arms. He brought him back against his chest and wrapped his arms around him. “I have my blue pouch in my backpack, so I’ll always have it close by. You have yours on your bedside table, yeah?” Alex nodded; his distress evident. 

“Good. I’ll miss you and I’ll think of you every day. We’ll FaceTime…” Ben’s phone lit up. The Uber was two minutes away.

Joe sidled behind Ben’s chair and rubbed his back as he stood up, easing Alex off his lap. They walked to the entry foyer and Joe took the suitcase down the stoop. Ben grasped the backpack and duffle bag and Alex’s hand. The car pulled up just as they arrived on the sidewalk. The driver loaded the luggage and opened the passenger door. The three boys hugged. 

“Text me when you land,” Joe said. 

Ben nodded and then kneeled bringing Alex in for a final hug and “I love you.” Rising he brought Joe into a hug and kiss. They both uttered “I love you,” at the same time. They chuckled, and Ben peeled away. He eased into the car and shut the door. Joe and Alex waved to Ben who turned around and waved out the back window. 

Joe stood behind Alex and placed his arms on his shoulders. “C’mon, Babe. Let’s get ready for playgroup. Now we’ll start counting the days until we see Dad again in London.” Alex nodded. He placed his hand on his chest, soothing the emotions that collected there, causing a metaphorical ache. He didn’t need any words or pictures. He now understood the meaning of ‘gone.’


	5. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's upbeat Chapter 5. Joe and Alex reunite with Ben in London. 
> 
> Adding to the excitement is a planned meeting with John Deacon, who, lovely as ever, helps Alex accept the family's impending new addition. 
> 
> The chapter ends with a flash-forward, a number of years hence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some cursing and a few non-explicit sexual references.
> 
> I was eager to write about Present Day Deacy, in part influenced by some discussions/posts with Tumblr pals. i hope I did him justice. Numbered text is referenced in End Notes.

Usually summer flew by, but these five weeks marked the slowest summer on record.

A big part of any trip is the build: the planning, the packing, the anticipating. Two weeks before the trip, Alex was finally down for a nap. At his desk in the study, Joe pulled up a Word document and started one of his famous packing lists. Who knew a dad and 3-year old had so many needs for a week-long trip? 

Creating the list helped build Joe’s excitement-not that it needed any building. This would be Alex’s first trip to London as a curious, active, almost preschooler. Twirling the pen, Joe indulged in a montage of daydreams: that first embrace with Ben at the airport; the three of them bounding through the city taking in the sites; new experiences unfolding before a thrilled Alex. And, of course, there was the scene that caused a tightness in Joe’s stomach and shot straight to his groin: he locks the bathroom door and pins Ben against it, kissing his wanting lips hungrily. Suddenly Ben breaks from the wall and maneuvers Joe around roughly to take his place, sandwiching Joe between the wall and his own firm body. Ben wastes no time unbuttoning Joe’s shirt, as his thick, shapely lips plant on Joe’s neck heading downward, right behind those long, nimble fingers.

Suddenly, Mariel, their Peruvian au pair, peeked in, snapping Joe back to reality. “I thought I’d start on the nursery.” She said. Yeah, and, there was that. They planned to talk to Alex about the baby in London, and Mariel would prepare the nursery in their absence. “Hey,” Joe said by way of a greeting, as he rummaged through the letter box on the desk. He grabbed a list of nursery items. “I know it seems like a lot; everything is upstairs in the extra room. If you can’t get it all, it’s ok. We’ll have time…” It was always easier for Joe to focus on the tasks, the preparations, rather than the emotional implications of the tasks. Planning the nursery objectified the imminent life change and helped him gradually cut through to the emotional side, like hands parting water in a half circle while breast stroking through a cool lake. Life together for the two co-stars had been a series of phases-becoming close friends, falling in love, merging their lives, marrying, planning for their first child, and becoming a family. Their love was expansive. Each phase built upon the previous foundation, firmly but noticeably shifting dynamics, like a young tree changing its growth trajectory by bending toward the sun. This new phase, so planned and joyous, promised a profound change for all of them.

“I got it, Joe. Don’t worry about it. The room will be beautiful when you return. I promise.” Mariel reassured him. She spoke slowly with a gentle accented voice, featuring soothing staccato phrases. ‘Why don’t you take a break while Alex is sleeping.”

“Thanks so much, Mariel. You’re amazing.” Joe breathed out. Mariel turned away, and Joe eyed the weights and other assorted exercise equipment on the other side of the room. Just an hour, he reasoned: a half hour on the treadmill, half hour with the weights. The thought exhausted him. OK, he bargained, a half hour: fifteen minutes of weights, 10 minutes of treadmill, 5 minutes of stretching. He slumped into the desk chair and picked up his phone instead. His finger hovered over the Instagram app and then, it dipped gently. It had been awhile since he posted. Why not? He moved into the bedroom and took a quick picture of himself with his suitcase, adding the caption, “Headed to the UK for a happy reunion.” As soon as he posted, the hearts and comments flowed, including inquiries about Ben and their plans. Joe immediately regretted his action. He knew Ben would not be pleased, given his protectiveness of their privacy and especially, of Alex. Turned out the most compelling reason to exercise is to avoid Instagram.

A few days later, Joe’s phone rang with a London number, perhaps someone getting back to him to finalize their plans?

“Joe Mazzello.” He answered inquisitively.

“Hello, Joe!” The sweet, melodic British accent was unmistakable. “Brian May, here!” 

“Brian, Hi! Wow! What’s up??” Joe asked excitedly. Had it really been almost a year since they visited during their last trip?

“Well, I saw on Instagram that you’re headed to the UK! We’ll miss each other unfortunately. Anita and I are headed to the Brazilian Rainforest for holiday!”

“What an exciting trip! Sorry we’ll miss you!” Joe’s disappointment showed through, and he knew Ben would share it too.

“How is Ben? And your baby-how old is he now? Sorry I lost track….” Brian said apologetically.

“Ben’s excited to be filming an espionage drama in London. Can’t wait to see him-it’s been over a month. Alex is almost three-no longer a baby, that’s for sure. And you know we keep our personal lives on the down low – but for the Queen family to share-we have another child on the way!” 

“That’s fantastic. You guys are terrific parents.” Brian crooned.

“Thanks, well, you know, depends on the day….So, how are you?” Joe asked.

“Yes, I know that feeling well,” Brian said authoritatively as a parent who has felt both reasonably competent and totally incompetent in the role-sometimes in the same day. “Things are good. Roger and I aren’t touring regularly. Mostly doing charity gigs. Families are good…” Brian hesitated, wanting to change topics. “I have a proposition for you. When you’re in London. No pressure….but…I was speaking with John-Deacy-a few days ago, you know, our regular monthly call, and I happened to mention your post about visiting London. He was very curious about you and your family. And, he said he’d like to meet all of you. What do you think?”

“Wow! Yes! I mean….You’re sure he’s ok with it?” A bit of trepidation crept into Joe’s excitement.

“Very much so.” Brian was definitive. “Veronica too. I’ll email you his contact information. It’s been a long time coming, yeah? Will you let me know how it goes?” Brian inquired, his voice rising with curiosity.

“Of course. Great to hear from you. Enjoy your trip. Best to Anita -- and Roger. And, thanks, Brian. Thanks.” After Brian bid farewell, Joe smiled in a daze. He couldn’t believe he’d finally be meeting John Deacon. Yet another reason to look forward to the trip!

*****

Boarding the plane took close to an hour. Once they settled into their seats, Alex bubbled with anticipation unable to sit still not interested in the sticker book before him. Joe hoped he’d doze as the plane took off, but it only served to rile him up, as he looked out the window at the miniaturizing skyline, narrating what he saw. As the city vanished, Joe leaned into the window with him, and they watched the horizon glow with the shades of a hot summer sunset: red, melting to pink, lavender, orange and yellow. Once the plane leveled and the captain turned off the seatbelt sign, Alex asked to get up. In the aisle they were joined by several sets of parents and young children. A collective ‘fuck’ was silently uttered by the parents, as the kids walked frenetic laps around the plane, cutting through the service areas in the middle and ends of the plane. The parents followed languidly dreaming of downing small bottles of wine, their kids slumbering next to them. So much for the red eye lulling everyone to sleep. 

Joe almost stumbled over Alex when he stopped suddenly in the back of the plane, his eyes assuming the ‘puzzle gaze.’ Indeed, Alex started pointing his finger across the row. “Papa, let’s count the chairs on the plane.” Alex said.

“I guess a Google search of the Boeing 747 won’t satisfy you, will it?” Joe quipped, proud that he could retain his sense of humor when every part of his brain was signaling to lie down and fall asleep in the aisle.

“No,” Alex stated definitively.

Joe indulged him, pleased to see the meal carts beginning their journey ahead of them. “Fifty.” Joe supplied as they moved to the next row. “Fify-one, Fify-two…” Alex intoned.

“Hey, guess what,” Joe said enthusiastically a few minutes later upon seeing the cart approach their seats, “It’s time to eat.” He escorted Alex back. After dinner Joe read Alex a story and dimmed the lights. “Go to sleep, Babe,” he urged, easing a blanket over his boy and rubbing his arm. “When you wake up, Dad will be waiting for us, and you’ll be well rested and ready to have fun.” 

Alex drifted off, but Joe was now wired and sleep evaded him. He sat back and finally opened his red wine. As he poured it, he thought of their last conversation with their surrogate, Lena. 

“Kasey says I have to come into the 21st Century and start texting. I’m going to send you a picture. Hang on.” Lena said in her smooth drawl. She put the phone on speaker and typed. “Ok, I think I did this right.” Joe heard his phone ping and a text message popped up. It was a photo of a white onesie with a grey elephant on the front, its ears outlined in green.

“I mailed this to you today. For the baby.” Lena gushed. 

“Really nice-Thank you!” Joe said.

“A little hint about the gender.” Lena teased.

“Um…elephant?” Joe chuckled.

“I’m emphasizing neutrals, because, well, I really don’t like gender stereotyping.” Lena said adamantly.

“Don’t hold it against us, but we stan blue, earth tones and black in our home.” Joe said, while fashion authority of the family, Ben, nodded next to him.

“Well, that’s actually good to hear. Joseph-you’re going to be the father of a daughter, and I don’t want to see her wearing pink in every photo. Having a daughter bears a big responsibility – You need to assure her she is worthy of all intellectual and physical rigors and opportunities – the same ones provided to you both – and to your son.”

“Lena…seriously? Of course, I would…we would.” Joe said, trying not to sound defensive.

“No negative intention implied. It’s just with girls, you have to be hypervigilant. It’s easy to unconsciously deter them from recognizing their abilities and pursuing their passions. I know from my own experience parenting a daughter-and being a daughter.” 

“I’m glad you shared that and we will certainly be mindful. But, uh, can I have a moment?? Please!?” Joe implored. “Can we focus on the fact that, ohmygod, I’m having a daughter…we’re having a daughter!” Joe burst into a smile and glanced at Ben. He thought of the time he spent with his nieces the summer after his dad died when he realized that he wanted children more than anything.

Ben gasped. “A GIRL!” A smile crept up on his face. “We have the name all picked out: “Abigail Frances Jones-Mazzello, sister of Alexander Francis Jones-Mazzello. Two AFJM’s!” Different spellings of the Mazzello middle name, but pretty much a unisex name (1). Isn’t it, Lena? “Lovely. And, indeed, it is!” she agreed. The three of them laughed.

Joe realized he had fallen asleep when the captain announced their initial descent. “We’ll be on the ground 7:00 a.m. London Time.” Joe closed his eyes, eager to capture as much sleep as he could. The plane dropped precipitously through wet clouds, and instinctively his arm extended in front of Alex, who stirred. Minutes later, as the plane screeched down the runway and slowed, Joe turned on his phone and texted a thumbs up emoji to Ben, indicating they landed. Putting the phone away, Joe conjured the imminent image of Ben crouching down, arms extended, and Alex running and collapsing into his father’s tight embrace. Then Ben standing, and Joe finally, finally, feeling his husband’s arms around him.

*****

Settling into Ben’s apartment, Joe prepared a full English breakfast, which they all enjoyed. Afterwards, Ben and Alex headed to the bedroom to get dressed, as Joe stayed behind to clean up. He was excited for the day he planned: The London Eye, followed by the aquarium nearby. Then an Indian lunch, the tube to Hyde Park, including the Princess Diana Playground, and high tea at The Orangery.

After he hung the dish towel, he called as he approached the bedroom door, “Ok, guys, I’m just going to wash up and then we can …..head out.” His voice hesitated as the scene came into view: Ben stretched out shirtless on the bed, his arm around Alex still in his pajamas curled into his father’s chest, both breathing rhythmically together, fast asleep. The contents of their blue microfiber bags were dispersed: a set of puzzle pieces now joined to form an octopus, sea animal figures, firm glittery hearts, and small airplanes. Joe loved how Ben had thought of a way to ease their separation and keep them connected by giving them each a bag with matching special items. Sometimes before bed, Alex removed and fingered the contents of the bag and during Face Time, they shared the contents together. Ben was such a loving and creative parent. Joe couldn’t wait to see him with their second child-his child.

Though eager to get the day moving, Joe let his boys sleep and retreated to the living room to read. A little while later, Ben appeared. “Good nap?” Joe asked. “Yeah,” Ben ran his fingers through his hair. “We just…crashed. You must be tired?” 

“Pretty pumped, actually,” Joe said, patting the couch, encouraging Ben to join him. “So, this is kind of amazing….When you said you trusted me to plan our week together, I didn’t expect this: Brian May called me before we left…” Joe recapped his discussion with Brian and his subsequent e-mails with Deacy, noting he arranged for them to stop by the Deacons’ home on their way to the airport for Joe and Alex’s return flight at the end of their visit. 

“HOLY CRAP!” Ben said. Before he could react further, he was beckoned. “Daddy?”

“Come here, Buddy. Papa and I have a present for you….” Ben cooed.

As he passed Joe to retrieve the box from the shelf, he whispered to him with a wink, “And you’ll get your present later.” Joe felt that tightness in his stomach shooting down and swallowed.

Ben handed Alex the box when he entered and helped him open it. Alex pulled out a baby doll clad in the elephant onesie from Lena. “This is a doll for you to play with. And, we have some exciting news. Soon you’ll have a real playmate. A real baby. A sister named Abigail. Alex, you’re going to be a big brother!” Alex held the doll and contemplated the news. Some of his playgroup pals had younger siblings so it wasn’t a totally foreign concept. He hugged the baby, which warmed his fathers’ hearts. Then, he dropped the baby with a clunk on the floor. 

Ben gasped. “Alex!” Joe wasn’t surprised by the reaction. “It will take some getting used to. We can all play with the baby doll later. How about now we get ready for a fun day: The London Eye, followed by the Aquarium, the park, ending with High Tea,” Joe added in a British accent. Alex dashed to the bedroom and returned with his little whale statuette. “Yes, as promised,” Ben said, trying to be in the moment and set aside Alex’s negative reaction to Baby Abigail.

The boys relished their days together: the mighty trio exploring the world, in between Ben’s filming. They spent time with Ben’s family, who doted on Alex. As expected, now in the throes of the visit, trying to savor every moment, the summer picked up its pace, and before they knew it, they were preparing for their final day together. The car was packed, and Ben got behind the wheel, studying the map in his phone. He looked at Joe. “Whoa, this feels surreal. Off to see John Deacon. The missing link from BoRhap….uncovered years later.” He rubbed Joe’s arm and started the car.

*****

They pulled into the circular driveway. The footprint of a modest house was clearly built out with additions. Ben took Alex out of his car seat, and Ben and Joe each held his hands as they approached the heavy wood door. They knocked, right on time.

“Hello, hello!” they heard as the door opened.

John stepped out into the covered portico. “Ben.” he said, with a warm smile, extending his hand, which Ben shook eagerly. “So nice to meet you.” He looked at Joe and Joe looked back at him, overcome with emotion. It was indeed a moment that couldn’t be scripted. They hugged.

John’s eyes moved between the two actors. “Roger and I clearly got a needed visual upgrade thanks to our movie doppelgangers. Especially that Roger,” he winked at Ben. He boys laughed. He was indeed charming, and the visit just started.

“And you….must be Alex!” John leaned down toward the young boy pressed into his father’s legs. “I’m John. It’s so nice you got to visit England, where your dad grew up and went to school. What do you like most?” John asked. 

“Jellyfish at the Aquarium!” Alex burst out. 

“He’s quite into sea animals.” Ben added. 

“Well, that is a wonderful interest! Like ‘m myself.” John shared. 

“Come in, boys, let’s get you comfortable.” John held the door, and they entered. He stretched an arm out toward the spacious living room off the foyer. 

“I bet you’d like to play a bit, yeah?” John said to Alex. “Help yourself to the toys in here. John pointed to the corner of the room. “We’ve amassed quite a collection for the grandkids.” Alex looked up at Ben, who nodded and made his way to the corner.

The life lived, which they knew from their research, was laid out before them. Beyond the living room was another spacious den, one wall covered in gold albums. A table against the wall nearby contained photos in an array of frames. These photos were not ready for prime time. There were intimate shots of John’s family, as well as a few of him with various combinations of his band mates. On the wall above the table was a large framed photograph with about 20 people, standing in a backyard. Joe took a step toward it, careful not to get too close, sensitive about invading John’s privacy. 

“Oh, that’s….”John’s voiced hitched. He walked over to the photo and beckoned Joe and Ben to join him. John took a deep breath, steeling himself to go back in time to that moment in the photo. “That was September 1991. Had everyone over for a barbecue to celebrate Freddie’s birthday. Lots of salads and veggie burgers for Brian, of course.” He chuckled, deflecting the emotions in the photo, and those now rising in him. “It was the last time.” He paused, his voice shaking a bit. “The last time I saw Freddie standing, at ease, not in so much pain….” Joe moved a bit closer to the photo and indeed, Freddie’s thin frame was evident by the belt around his narrow waist. His face was gaunt. Freddie was leaning into Jim, and John was on the other side of Freddie, his arm grazing the singer’s back. John’s family members were positioned in front of him. Roger leaned into John, his family in front of him, and Brian fit closely next to smiling Roger, with his brood around him. Freddie was enveloped in the love of his bandmates and his, though not legally acknowledged, husband.

“That’s lovely,” Joe said. John looked wistfully at the photo and then needing to distract himself, looked down. He picked up a framed black and white photo of the band performing. “This was one of our earliest, when I joined the band. I thought you did a great job portraying it in the movie-the energy, the enthusiasm, the possibilities. Us finding our rhythm together….”

“Thank you,” Joe said, and Ben flashed a smile.

“And some version of this is floating around out there, I think. It’s Freddie and me during “Somebody to Love” at the Montreal Concert. Such a gem! And one of his favorites. He got me to sing on the recording, amazingly.” John feigning surprise. “There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do…for him really.” John said softly.

“You were such a good friend to him,” Ben said.

“And, he to me,” John countered, then smiled at Ben.

Veronica entered carrying a large tray with a teapot, jam, cups and saucers, sugar and cream-and a beautiful round loaf of bread on a wood cutting board. 

“Ah, here’s my blushing bride, Veronica! Ronnie, Dear, Joe, Ben and their son, Alex.” John exclaimed.

“Welcome! How about some tea and bread? John made the bread!” she enthused, as she sat on a chair and sliced the bread and prepared to serve.

“Really?” Ben queried. “I’m impressed! Alex, come get a tasty treat that Mr. Deacon made.”

“Oh, please, he can call me John,” John said. ‘Well, for many years, I’ve gone to this little café most mornings to get a cup of tea and a treat-and read my paper. I read mostly online these days, amazing isn’t it? But I do like the feel and the smell of a freshly printed newspaper. Anyway, they make lovely bread, and I spoke with owner about her techniques. I like to keep my hands busy and I’ve always loved fresh bread-and the science behind it. So, I took a class and have built bread baking into my routine. It’s calming and nice to have a tangible product for your efforts. 

“We all enjoy his hobby,” Veronica added.

“And” John added. “There’s the love parallel. He picked up his teacup. “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.” Bread making reminds me to keep the love in my life close and renewed.” (2) This is a cottage loaf, two loaves melded together. It’s light and buttery!”

“That’s profound,” Joe said, thinking about the quote.

“It is. And this looks amazing,” Ben said, his mouth watering.

“Tea, a drink with Jam and Bread,” (3) Joe sang, entering on a perfect B.

“That brings us back to DOE oh, oh, oh. Doe, A DEER!” Alex shouted, nestling between his fathers, as Ben helped him onto the couch, planting a kiss on his head.

“The Sound of Music is one of our family favorites too,” Veronica said.

They enjoyed the bread and tea, complimenting John, and afterwards, John asked. “Would you like to see the garden? Alex, there’s a special play area you might like out there.”

“We’d love to!” Joe said, as Ben wiped Alex’s sticky hands with a napkin.

John led them through sliding doors, and Alex gasped, and raced toward the large climbing structure in the shape of a castle, complete with a moat, drawbridge and turrets. The edifice included ropes, nets and bricks for climbing and a large slide. 

“Alex, you should ask first!” Ben called.

“Oh, no asking needed - it’s meant to be used as much as possible.” John exclaimed.

Alex climbed the netting and ended up on a balcony. He walked into a little closed room, and suddenly the window was framed with lights. He flicked the lights on and off. “It lights up!” Alex was delighted. 

“You like that?” John called and Alex nodded. “Was bored one day, and I rigged that up.” John said to Ben and Joe.”The grandkids can have their ice cream up there in the summer as the sun sets.”

Alex made his way around the structure peering out of a telescope in a turret, and then bounded over to the slide. Using his hands to gain force, he sped down, ending up on the other side of the shallow moat.

“Your garden is so lush-such beautiful flowers.” Joe said, peering around. 

“Thank you, yes, gardening is another past-time I enjoy, which keeps me grounded. No pun intended,“ he said with a giggle. “Let me show you my absolute favorite.” 

He walked with the boys in tow toward the roses, lit by the late afternoon sun. He stopped at a yellow rose, with orange and pink shades at its billowy edges. “This is the Freddie Mercury Rose!” (4)

“Seriously?” Joe asked.

“Yes, RosaBatMercury. It was introduced around 1994. Fan club members raised money to name a rose after Dear Fred. It’s a lovely reminder of him – in all my days. And it gives me comfort ‘when I disappear through the smoke rings of my mind, down the foggy ruins of time..far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.’” (5)

Alex smelled the rose and then veered off to the tire swing hanging from the large oak tree shading the patio. The three men walked the rim of the garden. “We missed you during BoRhap. Wished you were with us filming. And at the Oscars,” Joe ventured cautiously. “But, we understand and respect your choice not to. It’s good to see you’re well.”

John nodded. “Sometimes, there’s no in-between, you’re either all-in or all-out and that’s what happened. I enjoyed it – well, most of it. But it ran its course and Brian and Roger... I mean, I’m happy for them - that they wanted to continue. But, ‘to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose.’ (6) That season had passed for me. Wanted to move on, needed to protect myself. But it’s great the movie was made, and you showed our career and music to so many fans--and increased our royalties.” He laughed. “I really am appreciative,” John said as he leaned in and hugged Ben and then Joe.

They broke apart and continued to walk, approaching Alex swinging gently in the tire. John gave him a little push.

“Alex, I understand you have something exciting happening. You’re going to be a big brother to a sister!”

Alex nodded slightly.

“Well, that little girl is going to be so lucky. She’s going to learn so much from you-and love you so much. She’ll be watching your every move and wanting to copy you! I bet you have a lot of neat things to teach her.”

Alex thought about that. “I can teach her to count!”

“What a great idea! Like your numbers, do you?” John asked. Alex nodded.

“Me too!” John said.

“I counted the seats on the airplane!” Alex recalled.

“Did you now? That’s quite a project. Well, next time you come-I do hope you’ll come back-do you think you’ll visit us again?” John asked hopefully. He watched Alex smile and nod. “Great! Well, when you’re older, you can learn an easier way to count. With multiplication.” 

Joe looked at his watch and brought his arm around John’s back. “This has been fantastic. So great meeting you and spending time together. We gotta get going to catch our plane.” John nodded. Ben helped Alex out of the swing, and John led them back into the house.

They hugged at the door joined by Veronica, who had packed some bread for them, and vowed to stay in touch.

Headed to the airport, the car veered down the street where a vast dark complex stood behind a barbed wired fence. Raised security flaps peppered the driveway leading in. 

“That looks ominous, What is it?” Joe asked. 

“Omnis” Alex tried.

“Oh, it’s the National Crime Agency-the NCA.” Ben said.

“Well, that’s one place we can cross off our sightseeing list for the next trip.” Joe said, as the dismal block gave way to more uplifting scenery. Alex reached over and touched the head of the baby doll, peeking out of the carry-on bag next to him. “Papa,” he said, “I’m going to take the baby with me when we count seats to practice for Ab.” 

“Ab? What do you mean, Alex?” Joe asked.

“Ab-ig-ail” Alex enunciated.

“Ah, Ab for Abigail.” Joe said. The boys laughed. “That’s a solid idea.” Joe said.

“Bloody Brilliant, Buddy,” Ben chimed in. 

As Ben drove into the airport, each member of the trio reflected on their special reunion and the next part of their lives together once they reunited again on the other side of the pond.

Sometime in the distant future…

The plane rocked as it descended through thick clouds, drops of rain propelled up the window by the sudden dip. The wheels released, and the plane landed with a strong jolt. As it careened forward, his upper body lunged over the seatbelt that dug into his waist, no longer accompanied by a strong hand reaching out protectively in front of him. The plane finally teetered to a crawl. The mid-afternoon fog hung low on the tarmac, though a few more hours of daylight were promised, according to the clock at least. Turbulence and dreariness were constants of the many London landings he experienced in his life. This trip promised mysteries to solve, more complex than his usual. He craved it. He pulled out his work phone and confirmed the pick-up location of the NCA driver. He slipped the phone back and rose to retrieve his suitcase.

The recruitment was aggressive at his college, and as a top candidate, he had his choice of agencies. His skills were indeed special, and it was exciting to think of them being used for the greater good. They were proud that he had a windowed office with three levels of security clearance. He poured over algorithms and use optimization theory to solve world problems, the complexities of which were not always accurately depicted in the mystery novels and movie scripts they read. Then, this opportunity came up. 

“Will you have to carry a gun?” was asked tentatively. The anxiety was raw in the words, heightened by the four eyes burrowing into him. He let the silence hold the weight of the question. Mystery was, after all, part of the intrigue. “I’ll be ok,” he assured them, deflecting the concern. 

This special assignment required – allowed - him to be at the epicenter of international crises as they unfolded. It was the pinnacle of the thrilling feeling he always had when problem-solving - whether sorting the pieces, filling in Sudoku grids or working the marker on the classroom white board, the timer counting down, aiming to beat his personal best. 

Retrieving his personal phone, he sent a text indicating his safe arrival, The response was a Bitmoji wearing a sparkling pink track suit, emoting ‘Whoo-Who,” followed by a message, ‘U do U, Spy Boy. I have my own puzzles to solve this week and an audition. Wish me luck!’ He texted back a good luck message with a pink heart.

He brought up the group chat on his phone, knowing the recipients would be watching for it as they ate their late dinner at the table, square white plates set on patterned place mats, cloth napkins in their laps. 

He typed their customary thumbs up emoji.

“Love you,” came the first response. 

“Stay safe,” warned the last. He could hear the collective sigh of relief mixed with a dose of worry, smothered with pride. He envisioned the two hands joining together on the table.

He put the phone away in his briefcase and moved his fingers along the rough bottom until he felt the microfiber bag. He didn’t know when the puzzle pieces would next connect, but having it there brought him comfort as he headed to meet his awaiting driver and his next challenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes
> 
> 1\. I gave Abigail the female version of the Joe’s middle name in memory of his father, but also in celebration of Frances “Baby” Houseman, protagonist in the movie Dirty Dancing (one of my favorites!)
> 
> 2\. This quote is from Ursula K. Le Guin
> 
> 3\. Do, Re, Mi, The Sound of Music (one of my faves too, Veronica!)
> 
> 4\. Here’s some more info on this spectacular bloom (would love to get one!) https://www.styleroses.co.uk/buy-plants/freddie-mercury-hybrid-tea-bush-rose
> 
> 5\. Mr. Tambourine Man, by Bob Dylan
> 
> 6\. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


	6. Arrived

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben, Joe and Alex adjust to the arrival of their new family member, Abigail, and everyone loses their s**t a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some cursing, tantrums and angst; otherwise, pure fluff and love.

Each step down the artificially lit hospital hallway brought them to the end of getting ready. Behind the heavy metal door lay changed lives that held joy – and unknowns. Getting ready started with the unexpected news that Lena had conceived much earlier than anticipated, sooner than she had with Ben’s child. The news launched months of preparations and anticipation. The triad of boys was no more. What would that be like? Getting ready couldn’t answer all the questions.

Introducing Alex to his important new role as big brother was a big part of getting ready. They pointed out other family quartets. They bought him a baby doll, which he eventually took to, thanks to that holy Mr. Deacon. Now, finally, Ben and Joe united down South for the last leg of the journey from preparation to reality. Getting ready was a concept whose time had passed, its last remnants left behind in that corridor.

They peered into the windowed door and entered slowly. “This one’s most definitely yours,” Lena’s slow drawl was raspy from exhaustion. She extended the tiny bundle with a pronounced shock of auburn hair toward Joe’s outstretched arms. Joe’s face showed sheer joy tinged with disbelief, a look Ben had never seen on his beloved, though one he was sure he modeled three years before. 

Back home in the kitchen, Joe swaddled Abigail in the rough white standard-issue baby blanket ringed with a faded pink stripe and a blue one, clearly an attempt at gender neutrality. The baby’s crusty eyes cast a sheen of blurriness. Joe wished she looked at him adoringly, but for now, her hazy glare tried to make sense of the world. His muscular arms joined under the almost seven-pound baby, her long appendages wrapped snug, the tiny head rested in the crook of his arm. Joe rocked gently from foot to foot, his hips swayed, his full arms followed. His movement slowed and he bent down to kiss her cheek. And as he did, he took in the smell of his daughter. It was a combination of newness and purity and a slight scent of manufactured diapers. Dominating his inhale was the lilac bath wash his mother gifted them. Their child was bathed in a heady scent that evoked delicate lavender blossoms of seasonal change and their lives together budding before them. 

The pleasing aroma was not able to soothe the intensity that rippled through Joe non-stop, like never before. Keeping his child safe, attending to-and trying to anticipate-her every need, was an ongoing challenge. By comparison, Alex’s cries and discomfort had been easily discernible and remedied. Abigail was trying to figure it all out, moment by moment, and Joe was along for every sudden turn of the tumultuous ride. Home life was now marked by periods of calm and contentment that suddenly morphed into a thrashing body cackling with demands and displeasure.

Alex was working on his large puzzle on the living room rug, which usually meant he was happily engaged, his concentration pleasantly interrupted by his dads in the background. He would pick up his head occasionally at the melodic laughter that punctuated their grown-up banter. He’d grasp for a puzzle piece and observe a hand reaching for the other’s waist. A quick turn, and one dad was pressing the other against the kitchen counter for a kiss, breaking apart when they sensed Alex’s eyes upon them. Now, the backdrop was different. His eyes lifted to Joe holding baby Abigail who was crying, no screaming. Again.

“Ok, Baby.” Joe repositioned her and offered her a bottle, which she snubbed, her wails expressing increased dissatisfaction. He tried to burp her, without success. He opened her onesie to let the cool air surround her skin. He felt her diaper, which was dry. At each effort, her wails increased, her limbs flailed and her upper torso bent back, forcing Joe to reconfigure her position to properly support her head. Joe tried to solve his own human puzzle. Ben, meanwhile, was moving around the kitchen clumsily trying to assemble sandwiches for lunch, his efforts distracted by the baby’s cries and Joe’s increasing and understandable frustration. Drinks. He prepared a baby bottle and filled the water bottle hastily. Alex observed there was no laughing or banter. No reaching or pressing. Tension hung in the air.

“I can’t,” Joe blurted out suddenly, fully exasperated. “I’ve fucking tried everything. And, honestly, I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’m exhausted, and it’s probably making it worse. I just fucking can’t!”

Alex perked up. There was that F word he sometimes heard in the banter, usually with a laugh, but not this time. it was a word he was NEVER, EVER allowed to say. 

“Hey, hey, it’s OK, Babe. I know…It’s a lot…” Ben said, swooping in next to Joe. Their hips touched and Ben reached out and cradled the crying baby for a transfer. Ben rubbed the baby’s back and spoke to her gently as Joe released her. Joe tried in vain not to show his relief at being unburdened physically and emotionally, coupled with his disappointment at not being able to soothe his kin. Ben hugged her to his chest and winked at Joe. He spoke into her ear and peppered her with gentle kisses. “You're OK, Abigail. You and your dad are sooooo tired. Let’s go outside. You’ll fall asleep when we walk in the sun. Dad will get some rest too, and have sweet dreams about his beautiful Abigail.”

It was a soft tone, a sing-song voice, a deep timbre that was both strong and gentle. The British accent enunciated each word, each syllable. Ben’s voice was mesmerizing, making it easy to go on the verbal journey with him, to be enraptured. And Abigail responded; her cries turned to soft whimpers and her body stilled. Alex, of course, didn’t remember Ben speaking to him when he was that young, though he recalled countless times when he was tired, hurt or just out of sorts, and that rhythmic voice brought him out of whatever was distressing him and comforted him. Suddenly he was hit with the realization that Ben’s magical voice wasn’t just for him. He halted his movements on the rug. Wait. Just. A. Minute. 

“You go lie down, Joe. I’ll pack lunch and take them out.” Ben said softly. As he continued his preparations, he shifted Abigail, and, her cries once again pierced his soothing tone and gentle kisses.  
Alex noted it was no longer ‘him’ it was ‘them’ to be taken outside.

“You sure?,” Joe asked, recognizing it would be Ben’s first time alone with the two kids. He was concerned though honestly relieved, as he was about to collapse. It had been over a week since he slept more than a few hours a day.

“Yeah, it’ll be fine. Alex!” Ben called with urgency, nary a soothing word cajoled. “Come to the bench. Let’s get your trainers on. We’re going the playground for lunch.” Ben threw the sandwiches into baggies with one hand, while balancing the baby across his chest. Sandwiches joined a banana and apple from the fruit bowl and a few granola bars from the counter in a cloth bag. He grabbed the bottles and threw them into the soft cooler. He trekked to the entry foyer where he wrapped the baby harness around himself, settling Abigail in and fastening the clasps. She quieted once again nestled against her father’s warm chest.

Jealousy manifests in various ways. Sometimes it’s an undercurrent, a light pulse, a barely felt twitch, mostly hidden. Other times it presents as a rushing swollen stream after a spring storm, small waves crashing over stones as it picks up speed, heading downhill. Still seated on the rug, Alex watched his dad from the corner of his eye. He didn’t move. He hadn’t received any comfort or much attention this morning. Or since they brought the baby home, really. Suddenly the realization sunk in that he was no longer the primary focus. He felt he had been replaced. The gnawing feeling ricocheted from his stomach to his chest and settled in his heart. 

Usually at his dad’s offer to take him out, Alex rushed to get ready. Now that it wasn’t just the two of them, his motivation to go out-and be cooperative, for that matter-was non-existent. Alex summed it up: “NO.”  
Ben knew he had to remain calm, though he was fuming, eager to leave before Abigail erupted again and to let Joe sleep. His heart started pounding and he gritted his teeth so as not to not rile up himself or the baby or Alex. Or a combination thereof. “Alex.” Ben spoke firmly, his mouth held tightly as he tried and failed to invoke comfort, “Come on. We need to leave so Papa can rest and Abigail can fall asleep when we walk. Now.” Ben continued to rub Abigail’s back as he shifted and moved his hips side to side, Abigail responded by snuggling against his chest, while he packed the lunch and cooler in the diaper bag and reached for the stroller. 

Alex took in the scene of this tiny new creature invading the life he knew - and his father. He reached the tipping point. Suddenly a current ripped through him, feelings Alex never experienced together nor with such depth: loss, longing, anger – and jealousy: an emotional tsunami. He fingered the almost-finished puzzle before him that he had tended to for days now, and suddenly, the pieces were being torn apart and thrown with vehemence. Angry tears gathered in his eyes as his hands moved erratically. “I HATE YOU!” he directed at Ben who was standing by the front door. Alex burst into tears, crying loudly, still ripping apart the puzzle and tossing the shapes.  
Ben looked on in disbelief. His sweet boy was so full of anger. He knew having a sister was an adjustment-and Ben had been distracted since they brought Abigail home. Their time together was constantly interrupted against the backdrop of their new addition, who without a doubt was the neediest. He could rationalize his son’s emotional response, but still, Alex’s words felt like a punch in his stomach.

Joe mustered his strength and swooped in to contain Alex. “OK, OK.” He remembered how Dr. M. had acknowledged Alex’s feelings and spoke with him gently. Joe channeled the pediatrician as best he could in this moment, as Abigail’s screams rose again from the turmoil. 

He dropped to his knees. “Alex, it’s hard to shift gears, I get it. But a change of scenery will be good. Do you think you can help by being a big boy and going out for a little while? We’d really appreciate it. And you’ll have fun once you get outside. You always do. When you come back you’ll be able to spend time alone with Dad. I promise.” Joe rubbed Alex’s back with one hand while the other ran fingers through his hair. Alex started to breathe deeply. “Come on, Babe.” Joe said, rising and holding out his hand. Alex took it and they walked to join Ben in the entry foyer. 

Joe eased a still shaking and tear-filled Alex to the bench and quickly prepared him to go out, caressing his legs and arms to continue soothing him. Ben opened the carrier and laid Abigail on the rug and eased her into her olive-green Sherpa flannel onesie and matching cap, readying her for the fall briskness. He proceeded outside with the diaper bag and stroller with Abigail nestled on his chest in the carrier. Joe and Alex followed. In the warm sun, calm blossomed like the last fall flowers in the spotlight before the final curtain. Joe kissed Alex on the cheek, as he tucked him into the stroller. “Have fun. I’ll see you later.” 

Joe stood and he and Ben exchanged glances. Ben took Joe’s hand, too encumbered with the baby to hug him properly. “We’ll stay out for a few hours. Get some rest. It will get better. I love you.” Ben emoted. Joe smiled, and Ben took off steering the stroller with one hand rubbing Abigail’s back with the other. “Stay Calm, Stay Calm,” he chanted to himself as his mind raced, wondering how this excursion was going to play out – and how he’d mend his loving relationship with his precious, hurting boy.


	7. Adjusted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Alex bond and work through Alex's angry feelings. Joe gets some needed sleep, which leads him to connect with Baby Abigail. Rejuvenated, the family experiences and reflects on the joys of home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some smut (cause I need it!) and cursing. And of course love!

With the click of the stroller buckle, Alex was released from the recent intensity of home life. He bounded toward the climbing structure and took the ropes with ease. Once on top, he followed a posse of other children running back and forth, stopping on the bridge with bars that when grabbed swayed the walkway. Swept up by the movement, Alex felt happy, his strong angry feelings faded with every swing. He had to admit Papa was right, it was fun to be outside.  
  
Ben looked on as Baby Abigail dozed against him in the carrier. Finally. He was relieved to see Alex relishing his usual fun activities. Alex stopped suddenly and looked to find his dad. Relieved to see his green eyes steady upon him, Alex gave a wave, which Ben returned eagerly with a smile. Satisfied, Alex continued swaying on the bridge with his playmates.  
  
Becca, mom of Alex’s pal Georgie and leader of their playgroup, came over to Ben. “OHMYGOD, she’s here! AWWWW, SO beautiful, Ben. She looks JUST like Joe with that gorgeous hair.”  
  
“And she has his verbosity as well.” Ben said attempting humor to cover the earlier angst. His hand lightly grazed the baby’s back, and he gently planted his lips on her forehead just below her cap.  
A few other parents approached. Some known; others not. Everyone loves to coo over a newborn.  
  
“Your second?” asked an unfamiliar father who was taking in the action next to Becca, also nestling a baby against his chest.  
  
“Yeah,” Ben said, smiling warmly. “I’m Ben.”  
  
“Bob.” The father said. “Catrina is our first, four months,” he added, rubbing his baby’s back. “Cannot imagine two!”  
  
“Congratulations! Well, it’s a big adjustment-especially for him,” Ben said, pointing to the blonde boy swinging happily on the wood bridge.  
  
“It most certainly is!” chimed in a mom also new to the playground. “The oldest never fully recovers from no longer being the center of attention.” She laughed. “But it does get easier. And they do amuse each other. Eventually.“ she said reassuringly with a laugh. “I’m Samantha. Just moved in a few blocks away. Lourdes and Julian are mine.” She pointed to a toddler throwing a ball, his big sister darting after it, as he followed giggling behind the best entertainment, his older sister.  
  
Samantha unfurled a large, soft blanket in front of a row of benches and called, “Come, Ninos, time for lunch.” She pointed to the blanket and motioned to the other parents. “They can all join.”  
  
“Thank you,” Ben said, smiling at Samantha as he gestured to Alex. “I’m Ben. This is Abigail. Alex is heading over,” he added, unpacking Alex’s lunch and laid it on the blanket. The other parents called their kids.  
  
“Ah. I see you in Alex,” Samantha said warmly to Ben. Once Alex settled on the blanket, Ben eased himself onto the bench behind him. He unstrapped Abigail and held her across his arm, her headed leaning into the crook of his elbow. She wiggled, and her tiny hands curled at the new position, but she continued to doze as Alex and his mates ate their sandwiches and fruit in the long shadow of the bench.  
“May I?” Playgroup mom Helen asked, holding out her arms to Ben. “They grow so fast. I miss snuggling a baby,” she said, glancing at her Ashley, who was holding court on the blanket with 3-year-old declarations on life, a few others enraptured.  
  
“Sure,” Ben eased Abigail to Helen’s waiting arms.  
  
“But, I don’t miss the nighttime feedings.” Helen added firmly, staring at Abigail.  
  
“Or the spit up,” Playgroup Nicole added, watching the transition.  
  
“Or no sex.” Playgroup Sandy added in her brash way. The abashed laughs of others signaled agreement. Ben looked down feeling his face redden as he let his hands wander into the diaper bag, feigning an urgent need. Glancing at his phone, there were no texts, which he hoped meant Joe was asleep. As the blush on his face faded, he admitted to himself that he couldn’t picture Joe having the energy or focus for sex now.  
  
Retreating from the diaper bag, Ben took a deep breath. Still seeing Helen enjoying Abigail and Alex eating contentedly, he let his mind wander to their last amorous encounter their final night together in London. After the three of them spent a lovely day sightseeing, Alex was fast asleep on the pullout sofa bed in the living room. Joe and Ben were in bed reading as the oscillating fan circulated the humid air, doing absolutely nothing to cool the temperature.  
  
Suddenly Ben groaned and leaned forward pulling off his t-shirt. “I’m so bloody hot.”  
  
“A more accurate statement was never uttered,” Joe said without missing a beat, as he sat up and put his book aside in one swift motion. His eyes lustfully roamed his husband’s taut body. “Come here.” Shirtless Ben rolled over and curled into Joe, easing up his t-shirt up and fingering Joe’s smooth chest. Ben leaned upward and planted gentle kisses on Joe’s neck.  
  
“Fuck.” Joe said shutting his eyes and laying the back of his hand over his forehead, “You know you drive me absolutely wild. I just want to devour you. Make you come so hard.” Ben’s cock twitched against Joe at the thought. Joe’s eyes flew open and he moved abruptly, a spark igniting in him, detaching Ben. Joe pulled off his shirt, flinging it carelessly on the floor. Next, he rose on his knees and unclasped and unzipped his pants, as Ben looked on with anticipation. Joe shimmied them off quickly, tossing them with his boxers on top of his discarded shirt.  
  
“Get your pants off.” Joe said as sat up on his heels taking his growing erection in hand. His tone was commanding, but accompanied by glimpses of awe and pure love for his husband. Ben obliged, slipping the button open and unzipping his fly easing the jeans down and taking the boxer briefs along.  
  
Naked Joe laid Ben down on the bed and rolled on top of him, aligning their cocks, as he alternated hungry wet kisses between Ben’s smooth neck and mouth, greeted by Ben’s eager lips. Joe felt warmth creeping up his body, and he couldn’t tell how much was the humidity and how much was his desire.  
  
“Joe,” Ben groaned. He loved saying Joe’s name because it made Joe feel equal parts desired and ravenous. Joe smiled. Indeed, his lover’s moans of his name propelled him to take his touching up a notch, wet heat glistening on their bodies.  
  
Still pressing into Ben, Joe eased his mouth down to Ben’s pecs, the first stop on the foreplay express. He started to suck Ben’s sensitive right nipple, while licking his thumb and index finger and rubbing the other nipple between them.  
  
“Oh, God….yeah, Babe” Ben groaned. His heartbeat quickened, and the pulsing tore straight down to his groin. “Joe…I want…I want as much of you as I can, while I can,” Ben choked out, his fingers running through the wavy auburn hair, a sensation that distracted him from thinking of their looming separation the following day.  
  
“You,” Joe said, licking the bottom of Ben’s pecs. “You can have all of me….if you will. And, I want all of you, Benny,” he added softly. He reattached his mouth and fingers to Ben’s nipples, eliciting moans from Ben, as beads of sweat pooled in his defined crevices.  
  
“I will. Gladly. Have me, Joe.” Ben thrust into his husband, his hands grasping Joe’s biceps as Joe propped himself on his arms, lifting his head. Eyes met eyes, lips touched lips, and they thrust into each other setting a fervent rhythm that would soon seal them as one. Theirs was one journey, a mutual experience, a shared life. For all the separations-and there were many as their work required-the reunions pulled them in, secured them and created a bond that allowed them to weather all of life’s ups and downs, apart and together.  
  
“I’m gonna mark you,” Joe panted, his voice becoming even more firm. “I’ll be careful. I know you have to film. But, I don’t want to. I want the world to know you’re mine. You belong to me.” Joe’s possessiveness always showed before their departures. “Open your legs for me,” Joe uttered.  
  
Ben obliged, and Joe slithered down and positioned himself between them, carefully avoiding Ben’s twitching erection. Joe spread and raised the firm thighs, bending them at the knees. Ben’s feet joined behind Joe’s back, and he let out moans of anticipation, consumed with lust. Joe kissed a trail on Ben’s right inner thigh leaving marks languidly, his swollen lips patiently moving inward to claim their prize.  
  
“Christ…Yessss,” Ben uttered, as his hands reached again into the messy auburn locks. His hips thrusted to urge the onset of the next foreplay stop. “God, Joe, just…”  
  
“Tell me what you want, Babe.” Joe teased, knowing that his mouth was next headed to the thick, veined member.  
  
“Suck me….” Ben pleaded.  
  
“You hard just for me?” Joe let the rhetorical question hang in the air as he took Ben in deeply, skipping the usual tender teasing licks and swirls.  
  
“Joe…fuck, you’re so good, Joe….fuck…harder…” Ben relished the feeling of being consumed. Their evening of intense lovemaking ended long after midnight. They lay facing each other, Joe draping his leg over Ben and gently outlining Ben’s defined jaw and high cheekbones with his index finger, while Ben wrapped his arm around Joe’s waist. Their eyes met. “I’ll miss you,” they both said over each other. “Jinx,” Joe said, laughing slightly to break the tension, and Ben swallowed the laugh in a kiss.  
  
“Ben, Ben! You should eat while you have a minute.” Becca urged, snapping Ben back from his reverie. Ben shook his head to come back to the present. He pulled out and devoured his sandwich in a few bites, anticipating Abigail suddenly unleashing her wails. But he looked up, and Helen was enjoying chatting up Abigail who rested against her shoulder.  
  
Ben leaned back on the bench and looked down at Alex. He was sitting on his heels staring at the tree above them, pointing his index finger toward it.  
  
“Whatcha doing, Buddy?” Ben inquired, though he already knew.  
  
“Counting leaves,” Alex responded, his head cocked upwards. “Most branches have bunches of 10 leaves or eight or nine leaves…” Ben knew Alex would be content counting leaves the rest of the afternoon, rather than playing with other kids. Ben took a plastic bin of colorful sidewalk chalk out of the stroller basket.  
  
“Here, Alex, why don’t you draw with your friends. Make your own tree. You can count leaves on the way home.” Alex took the box reluctantly. The exchange perked up others on the blanket, as colored chalk was the Pied Piper of the playground.  
  
“Can I use your chalk, Alex?” Ashley asked, touching the bin.  
  
“Say please,” Helen urged her daughter.  
  
“Please, Alex,” Ashley corrected. Alex nodded and stood up swinging the bin by its handle, Ashley close behind. He planted it on the pavement, and she opened it admiring all the colors. Others gathered, and within minutes chalk sticks were spread out, and drawing began.  
  
Ben dragged out the park visit as long as possible to allow Joe to sleep. After colorful lines and shapes, and flowers and trees brightened the black pavement, the children were energized for more active play. Balls were tossed, baby dolls were pushed in tiny strollers, and the climbing bars beckoned once again. Turns were taken at the tire swing, the best lesson in patience. Ben walked around with Abigail who woke up, staying close to Alex, except for a feeding and diaper change break. Finally, the cheery repetitive melody of the ice cream truck rang in the air. The last nibbles of waffle cones signaled that the visit had stretched as long as it could. The sun had started to duck behind the trees. In a few weeks’ time the clocks would be set back and by this hour, the sky would start its own evening ritual. The parents packed up the strollers and tucked their tired children into their rolling thrones.  
“You guys register for the Friends’ interview?” Sandy asked.  
  
A choruses of yes’s responded right away.  
  
“Crap,” Ben said. “Joe and I haven’t even talked about it. Not sure if he got to it.”  
Becca looked at him sympathetically. “You guys have had a lot on your plate. I’m sure there are still slots.”  
  
“Thanks, we’ll sign up tonight if we need to,” Ben said, annoyed that a three-year-old-and his parents-had to interview for pre-school. For now, Ben focused on returning home to a hopefully rested Joe, calmer Abigail and content Alex.  
  
*****  
  
Ben and Alex clamored up the steps, and Joe met them at the door. Smiling, he unburdened Ben of the children’s accessories.  
  
“Did you nap?” Ben asked eagerly.  
  
  
“As soon as my head hit the throw pillow on the couch. Didn’t make it upstairs to bed.” Joe said, running his fingers through his hair to calm the messy waves. “Each time I woke up, I pictured all of you coming home to me and us being together, having joy here, not like before…. I fell back asleep smiling thinking of that.”  
  
Ben nodded, hoping that vision would come true as well. His arm snaked around Joe’s waist, as his beltless pants dipped low around his hips. “This sweetheart slept too,” Ben said pleased, as he unstrapped Abigail from the carrier and eased her out of her fleece. Joe reached under her arms to lift her. “Hey, baby girl,” he kissed her cheek and nestled her on his shoulder. Her head careened around the room, focusing on the lamps exuding bright light. Her father gently kneeled on the living room rug, laying her on a soft blanket with black and grey penguins next to a small basket of baby toys. Joe changed her diaper, wiped his hands and then lay down next to her. He spoke softly to her about the fun they’d have at home. Abigail tried to make sense of this place called home, focusing on her dad’s calming voice.  
  
How does the concept of home get established? What is the brain’s signal that you’re in for an easy landing, that you’ve arrived at a safe haven that soothes the rough edges of the day? When can you finally exhale, knowing you’ll be welcomed and fully accepted - your good parts and the parts that rear their ugly heads, despite your efforts to keep them at bay. Oh, to arrive at this place.  
  
Alex was eager to let home embrace him, wash away the earlier torment and let him start anew. But the torn puzzle on the floor was the first thing that caught his eye. And he recalled his angry emotions that had been unleashed like the fire of a dragon. He tried to figure out how to forget his outburst and return to a peaceful place, and as he did, a living, breathing symbol of home read his mind.  
  
“How about we put your puzzle back together? You did such a nice job on it,” Ben said softly as he removed their sneakers and wiped the outdoors from his hands and Alex’s too, discarding the cloth in the bin. Home was not just four walls. It was the familiar cadence, the strong yet gentle baritone accompanied by the warm smile. For him. Now, only for him. And then Ben’s fingertips found their way to Alex’s back, guiding him into the expansive living room. Together they walked toward the nucleus of the puzzle, passing by some of its parts, detritus from the earlier explosion.  
  
Alex didn’t yet know the concept of Heaven, and as he grew older, it wasn’t something he believed. But when he looked back, he was sure he had experienced it, right here on earth. Right there in that living room: those sparkling green eyes on him, his dad’s strong nimble fingers easing him onto the floor, then bringing in the scattered pieces. Though tired from their excursion, Ben patiently worked to fit together those puzzle pieces out of a sheer desire to make Alex happy, to return the puzzle – and their relationship - to their usual symmetry. They worked together easily. Alex held up a piece that was torn, a victim of his fury. “It’s ok,” Ben assured, “we can glue it.” He bent forward, and his thick lips met Alex’s forehead to seal the promise.  
  
“Daddy.” Alex declared, suddenly tired and just wanting to feel his dad close to him. The puzzle could wait. “Ocean.” Alex stood and pointed to a large book about ocean life on the coffee table. He eagerly scooted onto the couch, and Ben rose and joined him with the book. He glanced over at Joe and Abigail, still engaged on the rug, Joe now sitting up and massaging her gently and shaking a rattle.  
  
“J,” Alex requested. Ben nodded and flipped the thick pages of the heavy book, laden with photos and text. “The Jellyfish…” Ben read a few pages, his arm around Alex, who leaned into him. Then Ben paused, anticipating the next phase of the day. “Hey, Buddy, let’s take a break and get Abigail her bottle.” He offered his hand, which Alex took eagerly, and they walked to the kitchen. Ben lifted Alex onto the counter stool as he prepared the bottle.  
  
“What did you like best about the playground today? Ben inquired.  
  
“The swinging bridge.” Alex said excitedly.  
  
“Ah yes, you looked like you had a lot of fun up there,” Ben recalled.  
  
“Ok,” Ben said looking around the kitchen. “I’m gonna boil water for pasta while we’re here. Sound good? I’ll make a salad in a little while. What veggies do you want?”  
  
“Carrots!” Alex stated.  
  
“We’ll definitely have some carrots!” Ben confirmed.  
  
Ben looked down, wanting to talk about their earlier interaction, not exactly sure how to proceed. “It turned out to be a good day, didn’t it? Your mad feelings went away, yeah?”  
  
Alex looked up at Ben and then looked down. “You didn’t love me. Just the baby.”  
  
Ben approached Alex on the stool and held his jaw tenderly with two hands. “I’ll always love you. No matter what. Alex, you need to know that. I love Abigail too, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Do you understand?”  
  
Alex nodded as he reached up to wrap his arms around Ben’s neck. Ben let go of his face and kissed Alex on the cheek, bringing him into a hug. “I love you, Buddy. Let’s go see how they’re doing in there,” he motioned with his head to the living room, swiping the bottle off the counter.  
  
Ben and Alex walked over to Joe and Abigail again sprawled out on the rug. Ben sat cross legged next to Abigail, and pulled Alex into his lap, resting the bottle on the blanket. Joe lay on her other side and kissed her tummy.  
  
“How about we all sing a song?” Joe said. “Alex, what do you want to sing?”  
  
“Ittsy-bitsy spider!” Alex answered enthusiastically.  
  
“Oh, good choice! Catchy tune.” Joe praised. “Cool hand movements too.”  
  
“OK…here we go. 1-2-3…” Ben and Alex moved their fingers in front of them and Joe moved his fingers along Abigail’s tummy as they sang: ’The itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. And the itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the spout again.’  
  
Joe took on a booming DJ voice. “That was the Jones-Mazzello Quartet making crowds go wild with their rendition of Itsy-Bisty Spider!” Ben and Joe clapped and whooped with abandon.  
  
Alex crawled off Ben and leaned over Abigail. He grasped her hands and clapped them. “Yay! Jones-Mazzello Quart-et!” He yelled.  
  
“Give it up for The Jones-Mazzello Quartet,” Ben said. They all laughed. Ben reached his arm out and Joe took his hand, while Ben rubbed Alex’s back with his other. Ben and Joe’s eyes connected. Their gazes affirmed they could do this, their family could be whole, even with the bumps. Sleep and playgrounds help. And their home would always welcome and nourish them, letting them pick up where they left off - or begin again.

  



End file.
